Judgmental Elitist Seeks Sarcastic Cohort: a Profile of Prodigious Length and Why

When I first created my profile, It wasn’t much more than a bit of fluff. A lighthearted look at some of my whimsical tendencies, and a smattering of facts about myself:

If I were a season, I would be Autumn–the crisp, golden time of year when the inevitable is faced not with resignation but with bold beauty and passionate defiance. 

I think far too deeply about pretty much everything and view the world in terms of metaphor and meaning. (Half the time. The rest of the time, I talk about it in terms of sarcasm or witty banter.)

Music, words, water, photography, writing, singing, performing, and trying new things are just a few of the many things that I enjoy. 

I’m also a bit of a geek–corny puns, the show Firefly, Star Trek jokes, the Big Bang Theory, and literary allusions make me smile.

But there are also many unexpected and quirky surprises for you to discover about me (for example: would you believe this straight-laced girl is an avid follower of Walking Dead? It’s true ^_^).

My faith is deep, my smile is wide, and my laughter is easily evoked.
I love life, but one of the things I love most about life is sharing life’s experiences with other people. Perhaps you would like to share some experiences with me?

It was short, sweet, and to the point. Other pre-filled sections indicated that I had no kids, was single, don’t drink, don’t do drugs, and live in North Branch. After a full day of using Plenty of Fish, however, I felt compelled to elaborate by adding the following:
(Please note, commentary included in the brackets is not part of my online profile.)

Point the First: I am terribly elitist and judgmental. Please use punctuation. A stray or missing comma? They happen. Complete lack of any punctuation? I disbelieve that you are a high school graduate, much less that you have attained whatever degree you claim. Also, if you substitute “u” for “you”, I will not reply when you message me. If you can’t put the effort into adding the additional two letters to form a full word when trying to make a first impression, I refuse to acknowledge the initiative you took to message me in the first place. 

[You would be amazed at how many messages I receive that contain execrable grammar. No capital letters. No periods. No effort to actually present oneself as a literate person with any sort of education. Even people who never went to college should be able to demonstrate use of capital letters and the ability to end sentences with proper punctuation.]

But I do at least commend you for the small initiative of actually sending a message. Which leads to… 

Point the Second: I will not initiate communication with you. I’m not going to “just ask” if I want to know more. I will not respond to profile lurkers. I don’t care if you think I’m attractive enough that you are willing to click a button that says you want to meet me. I don’t care if you think my profile is witty or charming enough that you “favorite” me in your cache of POF Profiles you like to view. If you don’t reach out with a message, we are never going to interact. So stop your passive-aggressive profile-watching nonsense. If you really think I’m interesting, attempt some communication.

[In the two weeks since I have created my profile, 322 people have clicked a button indicating they desire to meet me; and 18 users have added me to their “favorites” list. (Of the 18 who added me to their favorites list, only 3 have sent me a message). I have received messages from between 60 and 75 users. Out of 322 people who claim they want to meet me?]

Which brings up…

Point the Third: ASK QUESTIONS. Please don’t be so lame as to just send a message that says nothing more than “Hi” or “You are gorgeous.” I understand that no guy on this site is going to engage in communication if he doesn’t find the pictures I’ve posted to be at least marginally physically attractive. So, I’m already assuming you like what you see. If you are going to send me a message, ask a question about something in my profile: Something we have in common, something you find interesting, a reference you might recognize, a turn of phrase you enjoyed. ANYTHING really that would evoke some kind of response that would facilitate further communication. (This, of course, necessitates that you actually read my profile before messaging me. Please save yourself some time and effort by reading that I don’t like bars before asking if I want to meet you at one for drinks.)

[Just as ridiculous as the people who don’t send messages but expect their lurking to yield results are the people who send messages without having read a profile. I can go to their profile and see immediately that we probably wouldn’t like hanging out if every other photo features a cup of alcohol in hand. And when I say “ask questions”, I don’t mean to ask me to repeat what I’ve already written. Yesterday, a user asked me what I was hoping to find through the site. I told him I had already explained that in my profile; and he replied, “I would rather hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.” Congratulations, sir, in one line you have managed to indicate that you can’t be bothered to read what I have already written (which means I that I refuse to be bothered to write more) AND you have compared me to a horse. I have nothing against horses, but that’s really not the best way to make a first impression.]

And finally, 

Point the Fourth: Please, for the sake of allowing me to look favorably on your whole-word, full-sentence messages, DO NOT bring up the desire for a long-term relationship with me in our first messages. You don’t know me, and I don’t know you. When you meet someone at a party, and you find them attractive, do you state within your first five minutes of conversation that you hope your newly-formed acquaintance leads you into each other’s arms? That is just foolishness. I know that this is a dating website, and the majority of us are on here because we desire to find a lasting romantic relationship. But let’s not make ridiculously hasty assumptions. If I don’t even know your name, much less your personality, your character, your level of integrity, or whether or not you will watch Muppet Treasure Island with me at least once a year, chances are I don’t yet want to be in your arms (no matter how muscle-bound and full of manly strengthliness they might be). Please get to know me before planning a happily-ever-after with me. Or just get to know me. Period. 

[In the last two weeks, I have received two first messages containing the desire to wed me, one message from someone offering to father my children, and a dozen more messages that were desperate, clingy, or way too eager to jump into the middle of a relationship without laying any groundwork for the establishment thereof. @_@]

I am new to the area, and I’m using this site as an opportunity to expand my social horizons. Do I want a relationship? Yes. Do I plan on finding it here? Heck no. What I plan to find here are people I can connect with, meet up with, chat with, and get to know. I’m using this site as a springboard that will allow me to establish acquaintances that have the potential of turning into something more. So please, don’t try offering the moon. How about we start with a cup of coffee somewhere?

One last thing (so much for “finally”, right?):
My intention is to meet real people, not engage in indefinite online flirtation. People can adopt any persona they want to from behind a screen. I would much rather get to know who are when you are face-to-face with someone. I’m much more interested in actual people than in nebulous sales-pitch profiles and extended email/text exchanges.

So there you have it: a blog-length profile not for the faint-of-heart. But, seriously, with as verbose as I am, a guy who isn’t willing to read a profile this long probably wouldn’t last long with me, anyway ^_^ Perseverance, people– have some! 😛

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20 thoughts on “Judgmental Elitist Seeks Sarcastic Cohort: a Profile of Prodigious Length and Why

    1. Sugar Bear

      I like the name Julie. Julie, Julie, Julie….. It just seems to roll off my tongue. Would love to get closer to you……look into your eyes……and, and…..be curmudgeonly together.

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  1. Hahah oh man. Plenty of Fish is intense. I left there long ago. If you strike out there, go to Okcupid if you haven’t already tried it. A lot less shirtless men, a lot less message overflow. I’m having luck on there. Good luck!

    Like

    1. Thank you. Yes, I’m definitely frustrated by all of the shirtless men (what does it say about us women if they are finding that approach to be successful? >_<)

      Is the interface any better at OK cupid? one of my greatest issues with POF is the lack of "chattability" in the message function–only being able to address one message at a time and having to back out and go back in to read any reply a user may have sent in the mean time.

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      1. Haha! Women like us? It says nothing about. I think shirtless men attract um shirtless women?

        No, no. The interface on Okcupid is just as bad. Except I’m pretty sure there’s a “chat” tool sort of like instant messaging, where I think you will find what you’re looking for. I haven’t used it yet. I had my first date with a man from OKC and it went fantastic, so for now, I hid my profile. I can’t juggle more than one guy in real life, let alone in the cyber world haha

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        1. I was thinking “us” women as a whole. That there are those who would respond positively to such profile pics just distresses me because it detracts from the way people perceive women as a whole and reinforces terrible things.

          I’m glad your first date went well.
          I’ve had three first meetings through POF (and been stood up for four others! >_<). I don't really consider them dates because I think a date is something that occurs after mutual in-person interest has been established. Of the three, only one is someone I would consider seeing again, but I don't think he found me half as fascinating as I found him. Ah well… ^_^ Once POF gets old, I'm sure I'll try other sites, if for nothing else than to see how people behave on other sites.

          I really do find the behavior displayed on POF to be quite shocking. I've sputtered in consternation many a time. But I will write more about that later ^_^

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          1. Precisely! When I had my POF account, I had a disclaimer at the bottom that said if you were shirtless or showed any part of your happy trail in your photos, or if you were giving the finger just to NOT message me. Then I would receive messages that began with “Well, I have my shirt off but…….” Haha. Men. Lord. POF is WIDELY used, though. It’s probably the most used free site out there. I met many normal men on there. We just didn’t have chemistry. I completely agree with you though about first dates. Us women have our work cut out for us. I can only imagine what men go through. There must be some crazy women out there!

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  2. I met my wife on Match.com. I tried a lot of the dating sites and had a very lengthy and evolving profile as well. after every terrible date i would add a disclaimer to the bottom. things like.

    “If you have two Chihuahuas with rhyming names, don’t bother, we’re not going to like each other”

    “If your profile pic looks nothing like you, what the hell is your game plan? If you’re hoping that i forgot to mention that I am legally blind, you are mistaken”

    “If you prefer Trivial Pursuit to Monopoly…Do not pass Go. Do not collect my digits”

    Of course this was all below my several ideas for perfect dates. One of which was; PB&J in the park, maybe hit the playground and follow it up with a nap. ’cause we had a big day!

    and more serious offerings.

    anyways, here is the summary of my extensive research into the world of online dating.

    1. PoF is for one-night stands and awkward encounters.
    I have never been inundated with so many creepers. (Yes, girls are creepy too.) For the sake of your blog, you may want to continue your experience on PoF. I had some of the worst dates ever from PoF.(i also have some hilarious stories because of it….so, might have been worth it)
    Your impeccable writing style and firm grasp of the English language (do I capitalize English?…meh) would turn those experiences into something everyone would enjoy following.

    2. eHarmony is for people that are intimidated by technology and/or get stressed out by having too many options. They only let you view 6 people per day…if you don’t like the 6 people they have magically chosen for you, wait until tomorrow. this leads to you picking the ‘best’ of the 6 crappy profiles they have decided will match you. My attitude was, “I’m not looking to settle on second best…I’m looking for the real deal here…If I disqualify 6 people you better hurry up and show me six more.”

    3. Match.com is awesome. went on fun dates with people that I actually shared interests with and if I got the sense that ANYTHING was wrong with them, I tanked the date and moved onto the next one. I ended up buying a lot of girls their dinner and eventually found Kristina. The date went perfect and my face hurt from laughing and smiling all night. I knew, as soon as i got to my car afterwards, I had found someone special.

    [TL;DR] I tried a bunch of sites, made a fun profile, found out that PoF will give you fun stories and make you question humanity, eHarmony sucks, Match.com is legit. I hope you find someone special!

    TL;DR = Too Long; Didn’t Read

    Like

    1. Tony,
      THANK YOU for your comprehensive evaluation of the different dating websites.
      I suppose I could just go check it out for myself, but being the unmotivated person that I am, I would rather take twice as long to get the information by typing out this question and not having to navigate away from my current train of thought: Is Match.com free, or do you have to pay to have access to features that would allow communication and analysis of people’s full profile?

      PoF has certainly been interesting.
      I’ve been on 4 dates so far. (And been stood up for 4 others) [More on these developments as soon as I get over my fear of any of these guys reading my blog ^_-]

      As someone who is terribly inexperienced with the dating realm, I have a few questions I would like to hear guy’s perspective about:

      *What are some universal constants that could help a girl be a fun date that you wouldn’t regret going on even if you determined that you don’t think you would work out?

      *What are some of the best ice breakers you’ve used or had someone else spring on you to make the awkward first encounter less awkward?

      *How does one go about tanking a date if they are terribly disinterested in continuing?

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      1. On tanking the date: The girl with the Chihuahuas (Mitsey and Bitsey) I asked her if she wanted to hold my gun. ….She was completely unbearable and totally misrepresented herself. so I did not feel bad at all about that. there is a whole story behind this date but I don’t have the time to get into it.

        another date that I tanked was a girl who lied about her age, she was fresh out of high school and was pretending to be older than she was but her conversation was all about her high school drama and her stupid friends. she also lied about her appearance, wore a TON of cheap perfume and clown makeup. I felt bad because as soon as I met her I knew it was not going to happen and i couldn’t stand spending a whole evening with her. We were supposed to go bowling (her idea) and have dinner. Instead I went to the closest coffee shop, bought her a coffee, drank it super fast and made up an excuse about why I had to go….

        those are two pretty terrible examples but, some of them were just not a good vibe. I just wasn’t feeling the spark. My approach to those dates was more of a “hey, maybe we could be friends after all of this” type of thing. I got to know them, we shared some drinks, appetizers and laughs then went our separate ways.

        Match.com is not free and that’s what makes it better. Everyone is paying for the service and they want to get what they paid for. So, they tend to put more effort into their profiles and the dating experience in general. I paid for the extended personality profile and had a lot of fun analyzing the psychology behind it. It did a great job of finding me matches.

        Just have fun. some of the dates are going to be awkward because the conversation just won’t flow and feels ‘forced’. That’s just how the game goes though. My approach was for everything to feel natural and go with my gut instinct.

        If I just wasn’t feeling it, I would do my best to live in the moment and enjoy their company (and my food) while trying to find some common ground. Even though I wasn’t interested, I still wanted to have fun and wish them luck.

        I would (almost) always thank them for their company. Sometimes I would ask them for feedback so I could analyze my own actions and make the next date more fun.

        I don’t use ice-breakers. I just introduce myself, ask them how they are doing. keep the conversation simple and try to gain some insight into their world. If the conversation went stale i would ask them questions about their favorites (food, movies, books, guilty-pleasures, etc) and spring off those responses to fill in the silence.

        If you go into it with an open mind and decide ahead of time that you are going to have fun (either during the date or making fun of it on your blog after) you will have a great time.

        Like

        1. Thank you so much for the feedback ^_^

          One last question: when you say go with the flow, if the conversation seems forced and awkward, would you recommend using that as a sign that, ya know, maybe we just shouldn’t do a second date, or would you chalk it up to, maybe this person needs a whole lot of grace because they’re just really nervous, and they should be given a second chance?

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      1. On second chances: It’s your call. I’m a huge fan of my own instincts.

        When i first started online dating I wanted people to like me and I wanted to like them. After a while I figured out exactly what I wanted (more importantly what I didn’t want) and used the law of averages to my advantage. More emails, more girls, more dates = better odds of finding the right one.
        Also, the more dates I went on the better I got at dating and getting the information that I wanted out of my prospects.

        That said, I went on a few second dates, if-only to confirm my suspicions about my first impression.

        When I met Kristina, I left the restaurant genuinely excited to see her again. That is what I was looking for the whole time.

        The awesome thing about online dating is that you get to converse with people for a while before you decide to meet up. You can get a good feel for what they are all about via email and text messaging before you ever meet them.

        Once you meet them you can see if they can walk the talk.

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        1. I’ve actually taken to minimizing the time I spend interacting with people online. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t know; but so far, NONE of my dates have given the same impression as their online persona. Granted, I’ve only gone on four, but… ah well.
          I will probably check out Match.com when I’m ready to actually get serious about this dating thing as opposed to enjoying the sheer entertainment ^_^

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