Ex Files: Of Cheeto Counting and Fishy Fathers

Message received tonight:

Greetings,

I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your
attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for
looks. You are clearly a 9/10 and here on POF we only
allow 6/10 maximum.

Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with your name, your favorite flower, how many Cheetos you can fit in your mouth at once (just curious) and if you prefer American or Italian cuisine. This is very serious business and I would advise you not to take my message lightly or you might anger my boss Poseidon, the lord of the seas.

Cheers
S*****

sigh 

Dear S*****,
I deeply regret your unfortunate choice to send me a generic copy/paste message.
Furthermore, how very deeply counterproductive to use any reference that gives a numerical indication of inadequacy. If you truly want to flatter a woman, call her a 10. Better than average is not really all that flattering. If you can’t in good conscience tell such an aggregious lie, a simple, “My, you sure appear to be lovely in the pictures you’ve posted” would be much better than attempting to mitigate the lack of idealhood by disclosing that you generally settle for girls who only meet 60% of your general expectations.
(I bet you thought you were giving a compliment, didn’t you?)

However, you did seem to have a sense of humor, so I went to your profile. Alas, I discovered nothing more than five short, nebulous sentences and a handful of pictures in which you are showing off your manly strengthliness, musclitude, and unclothed torso. Granted, your muscles are physically attractive; but let’s be real. How many people posting half-nude photos are looking for long-term monogomy?

Even if you were looking for a serious relationship, however, threatening me in your very first message is not a great way to go about establishing said relationship. “Reply to me because I’m awesome” would be one thing, but “reply to me or face the wrath of a mythological seaweed slinger”?! no thanks. I’ll take my chances with mythology rather than acquiesce to someone who tries to bully or guilt me into a response.

I do not know how many Cheetos I can fit into my mouth at one time. I have higher aspirations than to test my mouth’s capacity for storing food before chewing it.

I’d say thank you for your interest; but since nothing in your message was personalized, the best I can offer is grattitude for prividing fodder for a blog post and lively facebook exchange regarding the complimentary vs insulting nature of your message.

Good day, demigod, 
~C
__________  

I’m sure there is hope for humanity. But at this particular moment, I’m just not feeling it.

(and what does he mean a 9/10?! If you don’t think I’m a 10, numerical evaluations can just be omitted. >_<) 

UPDATE:
He Replied:
“You are everything I thought I didn’t want in a girl.”

What does this mean?

Am I supposed to feel bad that the person I decided to scorn has scorned me in return?
On second thought, HAS he scorned me? By using the past tense of thought, is he trying to indicate that he no longer thinks I am what he doesn’t want?

This is why proper grammar is essential. Muddy grammar makes for unclear communication. Can you communicate clearly? If so Thank an English teacher ^_^

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8 thoughts on “Ex Files: Of Cheeto Counting and Fishy Fathers

    1. Nope. No points. It’s a copy/paste generic message. Plus, I clearly didn’t meet his standards for beauty. No girl wants a guy willing to settle for a mere 9. If he’s already openly acknowledging my inadequacy when he’s supposed to be trying to impress me, it does not bode well for the future that won’t be. ^_-

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      1. That’s not fair to the guy at all though. Men very seldom marry a girl that they would rate a 10/10 for looks. Most men don’t even WANT to be in a relationship with a 9-10. Just keep in mind that men and women have completely different ways of thinking about things. No guy would be “settling” for a *mere* 9.

        That being said, you are right about it being a cut/paste generic post. One would think that he could make his message a little easier to read considering that it is one he reuses. Also, he sounds a little… off?

        Disclaimer: All loving married men will CLAIM that THEIR wife is a 10… they are lying.

        Disclaimer 2: My wife is a 10/10

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        1. Fair???? Who said anything about fair?
          I reserve the right to be as unfair and judgmental as I please.

          If guys have no intention of marrying a 9 or 10, he clearly shouldn’t be messaging me if he thinks I am a 9.

          (His profile consisted of about five vague sentences and a handful of pics showing off his manly strengthliness and musclitude. He didn’t seem to be looking for any kind of long term relationship.)

          Whether or not he would actually be settling, if one is TRULY trying to impress a girl, indicating failure to meet a full standard of anything is not exactly a good way to do it. Offsetting it by saying that you would be willing to settle for only 60% of one’s ideal is certainly not a compliment ^_-

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  1. Sounds like he is crushing on you, haha. That or he really doesn’t understand the English language. If he is indeed crushing on you then he gets points for keeping you confused. He also loses points for not giving you anything more to work with for a response.

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  2. Pingback: In Which I’m Still Trying to Find Myself, But Others Find Me Humorous(ly) | Euphonic Charity

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