Clear Pursuit

Though my views regarding dating have changed a great deal over the years (yeah, I’ve mellowed. A lot.), I am still quite traditional and old fashioned. I have pretty high ideals.

One of the greatest is that I expect to be pursued by a guy. Now maybe this is a huge problem. I am, after all, a girl who on a good day might range toward the upper end of average when it comes to the looks department. On a bad day without makeup, all bets are off. So maybe girls like me should be more like Charlotte Lucas and take what they are offered rather than aspiring toward a guy who will desire them and treat them as if they are valuable. But I’ve never been practical enough for that. Seriously, what girl doesn’t want to WANTED?

Last week, a guy told me that he couldn’t see any reason not to date me. Let me just tell you, that moment was not at all a win. A lack of why nots is great–really it is. But if it isn’t accompanied by an even more extensive list of reasons WHY, it’s not really flattering. (eh… you don’t party too much, do drugs, have a ton of ex drama, or a boatload of debt, and you’re not terribly ugly, so I might as well date you. Why not? YOLO, right? … ummmm no. )

Throughout my life, I’ve experienced plenty of passive interest from men; but rarely has it been accompanied by actual pursuit (Supposedly, I’m intimidating?). But my philosophy has always been (and continues to be) that if he isn’t interested enough to initiate communication/dating/whatever else have you, he isn’t interested enough. I am perfectly willing to follow someone’s lead and reciprocate, but I tend to gauge my responses based on the other person. So I am looking for a decisive leader. Someone who knows what they want and knows that I am part of whatever that is.

So, few things bother me more than wishy-washy guys who are unclear about what they want.
(Well, I might want to date you–that is, if you want to date me? But I have to know how you feel about me before I make any sort of indication of how I feel about you, because, you know, rejection sucks.)

This was already something I have been pondering recently, and then a friend asked me for advice regarding a girl he wanted to ask out. He had attempted to ask her out once before, but the conversation had turned into a mess of two people basing their own communication off of what the other person may or may not have been communicating, so it was a mess that ended mired in friend-zoned-ness.

He didn’t want to repeat the same mistake twice and thankfully, he was already thinking along the lines of my suggestion; but maybe you have found yourself in a similar situation?

My recommendation to guys is to just go for it. Be clear about your intentions and what you want. If she rejects you, so be it. But lingering quasi-expressions of passive interest are good for no one.

How do you do that?

You could always try this basic format:

I really like you.

This is what I like about you:

This is what I see the next level being:

This is why I think taking it to the next level would be a good thing:

Have I mentioned yet that I like you, admire you, enjoy your company/character/etc?
If not, let me remind you right now of what an awesome person you are and how my life is awesomer when you are in it.

Would you like to explore a deeper relationship with me?

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6 thoughts on “Clear Pursuit

  1. Nathan "Rosy"

    A good future post, as a follow up to this one, could be titled “No Means No: Dealing With Rejection.” Not only should gentlemen be willing to clearly pursue, but also willing to break off that pursuit when it is clearly unwanted.

    Sadly I speak from experience.

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  2. It seems to me that your ideals are not too high, what you request not impossible. Just that time will pass before the right guy comes. Have you read Jane Eyre recently? I say recently because you just have such a sophisticated right taste of everything and I imagine that translates to books as well and Jane Eyre is phenomenal. But it took her quite awhile and much heartache to be with the man she loved.
    Rejection sucks but not knowing it can suck even more. I say pursue and be pursued alike. He should still be a man and take control…but also what is asking someon out to coffee going to hurt 😉 at best he notices you for all you are and at the worst you drank coffee. ❤

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    1. I’ve actually never read Jane Eyre (Strange, right?). I have the book, and I’m familiar with the plotline, and I LOVE the musical (If you haven’t heard it, Facebook me your address, and I will mail it to you because it’s WONDERFUL); but the actual book is still something on my “I-WILL-read-eventually” list.

      I play too many mind games with myself to be comfortable with too much initiation in the early stages. I am not anti-girl-asking-guy-on-a-no-pressure-coffee-date. But for me, it would never work just because I would sit and overanalyze to death the fact that *I* asked HIM, so how could I know if he were truly interested or if I were just a convenient yes that he didn’t have to exert any effort to feel affirmed by, etc etc. (I think way too much about pretty much everything @_@)

      Lol… several of the first dates I had through POF involved coffee…. I feel a bit sad that coffee is not one of the many joys I get to share with the physicist. Ah well, at least he drinks tea ^_-

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  3. I too look to be pursued. In this day and age its hard to find a man who will put forth an effort and it makes me run the other way when I feel its not adequate enough or up to my standards. Sometimes I think my standards are to high, but then I figure, why settle? I love reading your posts, keep them coming.

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