Though my views regarding dating have changed a great deal over the years (yeah, I’ve mellowed. A lot.), I am still quite traditional and old fashioned. I have pretty high ideals.
One of the greatest is that I expect to be pursued by a guy. Now maybe this is a huge problem. I am, after all, a girl who on a good day might range toward the upper end of average when it comes to the looks department. On a bad day without makeup, all bets are off. So maybe girls like me should be more like Charlotte Lucas and take what they are offered rather than aspiring toward a guy who will desire them and treat them as if they are valuable. But I’ve never been practical enough for that. Seriously, what girl doesn’t want to WANTED?
Last week, a guy told me that he couldn’t see any reason not to date me. Let me just tell you, that moment was not at all a win. A lack of why nots is great–really it is. But if it isn’t accompanied by an even more extensive list of reasons WHY, it’s not really flattering. (eh… you don’t party too much, do drugs, have a ton of ex drama, or a boatload of debt, and you’re not terribly ugly, so I might as well date you. Why not? YOLO, right? … ummmm no. )
Throughout my life, I’ve experienced plenty of passive interest from men; but rarely has it been accompanied by actual pursuit (Supposedly, I’m intimidating?). But my philosophy has always been (and continues to be) that if he isn’t interested enough to initiate communication/dating/whatever else have you, he isn’t interested enough. I am perfectly willing to follow someone’s lead and reciprocate, but I tend to gauge my responses based on the other person. So I am looking for a decisive leader. Someone who knows what they want and knows that I am part of whatever that is.
So, few things bother me more than wishy-washy guys who are unclear about what they want.
(Well, I might want to date you–that is, if you want to date me? But I have to know how you feel about me before I make any sort of indication of how I feel about you, because, you know, rejection sucks.)
This was already something I have been pondering recently, and then a friend asked me for advice regarding a girl he wanted to ask out. He had attempted to ask her out once before, but the conversation had turned into a mess of two people basing their own communication off of what the other person may or may not have been communicating, so it was a mess that ended mired in friend-zoned-ness.
He didn’t want to repeat the same mistake twice and thankfully, he was already thinking along the lines of my suggestion; but maybe you have found yourself in a similar situation?
My recommendation to guys is to just go for it. Be clear about your intentions and what you want. If she rejects you, so be it. But lingering quasi-expressions of passive interest are good for no one.
How do you do that?
You could always try this basic format:
I really like you.
This is what I like about you:
This is what I see the next level being:
This is why I think taking it to the next level would be a good thing:
Have I mentioned yet that I like you, admire you, enjoy your company/character/etc?
If not, let me remind you right now of what an awesome person you are and how my life is awesomer when you are in it.
Would you like to explore a deeper relationship with me?