Ex Files: In Which Rescheduling Hurts

Some back story:
T***** and I have been messaging since Monday, when I re-activated one of my online dating profiles.
Tuesday morning, he decided he wanted to meet me.

We settled on this evening in a town about twenty minutes away.
Between 8 and 10 this morning, he confirmed twice that we were still on for meeting up tonight.

At 3 PM, I received the following message:

I’m so sorry for the inconvenience, but a friend of mine is in town from California. I thought I was going to be hanging out with them during a different time frame but alas I am not and they’re only here for so long. Would it hurt to reschedule?
[My Translation: I have the opportunity for a hot date from California.  I’d like to keep you as an option, but tonight I’d prefer hanging out with her. (If this friend were a guy, the pronoun him would have been used  instead of them).]

The reply:
Hello, T******,

It would. And here’s why:

I gave you an option for choosing which day worked better for you, and you were the one who chose today.

Currently, it is only four hours before our planned time of meeting (which you confirmed twice this morning).

While I understand the deep bonds of friendship, hanging out with a dear friend visiting from far away is something you should have already had nailed down.

Changing plans four hours prior to a meeting that’s been in place for several days for anything less than an emergency is inconsiderate.

I appreciate that you let me know prior to my driving to [Name of town] that you had found a better option for your evening and no longer wanted to meet with me; but I’m looking for someone who will treat my time as if it is as valuable as his own. I hold no ill will, so I hope you read this in the calm tone it is meant in, because I’m seriously not angry or upset. I just expect to be treated with greater courtesy. So no, I will not reschedule.

 Do have fun with your friend. I wish you well with your online dating pursuits.


They say that people accept the love they think they deserve.
I think it’s also  true that people give what they think people will accept.

I will not accept some man’s fickle inability to decisively plan a day. Nor will I accept being made to fit the convenience of his whims. If this is how he treats a FIRST date, when he should still be hoping to impress me, he definitely is not bringing anything close to an A-game. And I refuse to settle for Game B.


11 thoughts on “Ex Files: In Which Rescheduling Hurts

    1. My goal wasn’t to stick it to him so much as say that it wasn’t ok and tell him why. Hopefully he won’t pull such shenanigans with the next girl he attempts to connect with.

      My theory is that if fewer women accepted socially unacceptable behavior, fewer men would engage in it.


  1. Adrea

    Nice job! Everyone should learn that lesson – rudeness and putting your time first is no way to meet someone new that you might potentially have a relationship with. If he gets away with that now, what would he try to get away with later?


    1. More and more, I’m beginning to suspect that when a guy says he’s looking for a girl who “can be spontaneous,” I think what he actually means is that “I’m looking to not have to put any forethought or effort into spending time with you.”


  2. Amen to that! Good for you for standing up for yourself and not taking the excuses. You’re absolutely right that if he’s treating a FIRST date like this, what would come later? That’s not what I thought of as I was reading up to that point. I will if I’m ever in the situation in the future though, thanks to you. 🙂


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