Ex Files: In Which He Misses Cuddling and I Miss Decent Conversation

So here I am– Back to the realm of exchanging awkward internet ice breakers with strangers who think my profile picture is pretty.

(Of COURSE it’s pretty—It was taken by the talented Casey Butler—you can request a session with her at Today’s Portraits Tomorrow’s Treasures!)

As I re-embark on this quest for companionship obtained through internet connection, one thing I find baffling is the complete disregard many seem to display for either engaging conversation or propriety.

Lacking the dimensions of vocal inflection and facial expression, it is doubly important for message initiators to ask engaging questions—to give someone SOMETHING to reply to— or write something to FURTHER the conversation. Alas, many people write bland, insipid things, and wonder why the conversation doesn’t go anywhere. or they write things that really DON’T contribute to their efforts to establish a relationship.

When people read through my profile and attempt conversation, I feel obligated to at least humor them, but I have learned from network marketing to work with the working. I match effort with effort. I refuse to be scintillating if they are boring, but I will at least give them a chance.

All chances stop dead in their tracks, however, when either:

A) a dude starts seeming desperate, or
B) a dude brings up physicality prematurely

I just don’t understand WHY people seem to think it is okay to discuss cuddling with  people they are encountering each other for the first time. (Maybe if I had some allusion to wanting to cuddle in my profile? But I don’t. I don’t KNOW you yet, so it would be fair to say that I don’t know whether or not I want to find myself in your arms.)

[I think Buzzfeed should do a youtube video “If people talked to strangers in real life the way they talk to strangers through online dating platforms.”]

Take this gem, for example:

I want my gold star! 😉 You forgot there, their and they’re. Haha. Live your coffee crack!
(He was referencing my profile)

Alas, I don’t have bangs (referencing his profile)

But I do love your hair! Seriously reconsidering the bangs statement…. Honest

How was your weekend?

It was fantabulous and lovely- yours?

Quiet and relaxing. 🙂 what made your weekend “fantabulous?” (Love that word)

Residual celebration of my birthday 🙂 Birthday weekends are always great fun ^_^

Agreed! Happy birthday!

I find it promising that we are an 80%match.
And that you enjoy adventures, coffee, conversation… I miss good companionship. And cuddling. Being a third wheel all the time can get old too. Haha

I hate to disappoint you, but regardless of how much we match, I don’t KNOW you. We have never met.

You are the second guy tonight to bring up cuddling. Is that really something people talk about before getting to know much of anything else?

I try to treat online interactions as I would if I were meeting someone in person.
Would you really bring that up to someone you were talking to face to face for the very first time?

I’m not going to lie. I like cuddling. I, too, miss it. But I don’t continue conversations with guys who want to talk about it right off the bat.

Thank you for your time. I appreciate that you read my profile and took the time to message me. Best wishes 🙂

Granted,  I was a little harsh, but REALLY?
Who DOESN’T like coffee and conversations and adventures? That is not enough of an intro to launch into conversation about cuddling.

I’m sorry that you are lonely, sir. Loneliness STINKS—I get it! I feel it, too, or I probably wouldn’t be on an online dating site! I think it is pretty safe to assume that anyone using this site feels a certain degree of inadequacy with their current relationships. So have some self-respect, man. Confidence attracts. Don’t have any? for the love of decent conversation, fake it!

Is that really the most relevant thing you can think of to share with someone you are just beginning a conversation with?
That you are sick of being a third wheel? That you long to cuddle someone?

Oh, I could write a sonnet about the absence of arms that once held me close, but I am NOT going to share that with someone I’ve never talked to before this evening.

When conversing with a man I don’t know, I want to learn things about him that will make me interested in meeting him, not interested in pitying him! I’m looking for a partner in life, not a rescue mission!

So here’s a quick guide for a first night of messaging a stranger.

How to Present Yourself as Dateable:

Step 1:
Don’t whine to people you would like to date.

Step 2:
Refrain from discussing physicality until mutual appreciation of PERSONALITY has been established.

Step 3:
Do a Google search for “ice breakers” or “How to be an interesting conversationalist” or “Good questions to ask when meeting people for the first time” or “Questions for Getting to Know Someone”

Conversation is not rocket science.
In a day of EASY ACCESS to all the information on the interwebs, there is no excuse for the appalling lack of conversation men send. If you are one of the conversationally challenged, please refrain from whining about girls rejecting continued conversation or ignoring your messages.


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