In Which God’s Gift to the Female Population Writes a Profile

I’m about to analyze a profile from the female perspective. My words will be in brackets. Everything else is his.

About Him & Who He’s Looking For 

[Spoiler: It’s actually more about who he’s looking for–and she’s a great catch! The question I want to know: Is he????]

I love beautiful, confident, down to Earth, fun caring women that are completely comfortable being cute in jeans and hoodie or feminine in heels and a dress. Are you healthy (in all ways and drug free!), confident, secure, optimistic, open, flexible, giving, kind, funny, a good listener, intelligent, honest, outgoing (a social butterfly), fun, great communicator (my life is a drama-free zone), understands men, affectionate, sexy, happy, and an all around good person? My ideal woman is between 5′-2? and 5′-10? tall (taller is okay too, I’m 6’2″ myself), Beautiful eyes and winning smile! She should have and/or strive for a healthy mind, body & spirit.

[My first thought when I saw this was, Oh Oh! Look! A list! Do I match up?! Oh, I do *HOPE* I’m good enough to meet the expectations of this man I know NOTHING about other than his picture! 

…that’s actually not what ANYONE thinks.
While it’s important to know what you are looking for, it’s generally not a good idea to LEAD with that, because at first perusal, most people generally are more interested in assessing if YOU meet THEIR expectations, not if THEY meet YOURS. 

Also, may I just say that this is an EXTENSIVE list? If he is looking for a woman like the one described, the chances of her being found on this free online dating site aren’t so great…. ]

I love to laugh, tease, and have fun. I am a very playful, outrageous, silly and strong man. I am very confident and driven. I want a woman who is used to the same. What ever you do for a living, its something you absolutely LOVE! A great sense of humor is a must! Maybe you have older brothers who still to this day, mess with you and tease you, and you’re just as playful and sweet back to them.

[Not just stable employment. Oh no– she must LOVE her work with a capital LOVE… there are not terribly many women who can claim this. really. very very few.
And I’ve seen ‘must love dogs’ etc…  but throwing older brothers into the mix? I almost stopped reading because I’m was already totally disqualified by the first paragraph and have no older brothers, but I really was curious to read more.] 


I own my own business and am a Clinical Hypnotherapist. I also work in the mornings at a nursing home as Pastoral Care Coordinator. I love helping people! I want a woman who is just as concerned about the welfare and upliftment of others as I am… and… who will support me in my mission to make the world a better place.

[hypnotherapy… I like the idea of someone dedicated to making the lives of others better, but…. hypnotherapy? ]


I am a very spiritual person. I’ve been to many different churches and even though part of my job is as Pastoral Care Coordinator for a Nursing Home, you won’t typically find me in a church… unless its on a historical tour lol. I’m not into organized religion. The Lord dwells in our hearts. I would conceder myself a Spiritualist. I can read the bible and any other holy book and make up my own mind. I’m not interested in listening to dogma from unenlightened people trying to tell me how to be enlightened. I’m looking for a very spiritual woman who looks at all spiritual traditions with respect and without judgment. She’s a big LOVER. She lights the room up with her calm and peaceful presence.

[Again. Disqualified. I don’t think I’ve ever lit up ANY space with either calm OR peacefulness.

And then there is the issue of spirituality…. Who gets to decide who is enlightened and who isn’t? But let’s face it, I’m just not a big LOVER. I do love. I love my family, coffee, and many individuals…. but I consider myself more on the small, non-capitalized spectrum of loving. But I digress. This isn’t about me. This is about him and who HE is looking for.]

You should message me if:

If I message you it means I’ve noticed you and think you are worth my time. I’m very genuine and I’d like to opportunity to chat. I would appreciate the courtesy of a message back please. I can’t wait to talk with you! You should message me if you are interested in me, curious about me, have a question or a comment.

[You think I’m ‘worth your time?  How flattering! I’m unbelievably honored! I must make haste to write a reply!]ok. But for real, he sent me a message.
Just a general hi, how are you?

To which I didn’t respond.

The next day he sent a second message.
(At least he was persistent?)
To which I replied,

“Oh, hello! I hadn’t written back because I didn’t meet your extensive list of qualifications.”

He quickly assured me they weren’t requirements, it just never hurts to try. But let’s face it–I would rather go out to coffee and engage in lively conversation with an agnostic whose great sense of humor is reflected in his profile than a spiritually elite (self-described) LOVER who would rather enumerate his wish list than share reasons for why I should want to talk to him.

Needless to say, the conversation did not continue.


5 thoughts on “In Which God’s Gift to the Female Population Writes a Profile

  1. I have noticed that whenever anyone describes themselves as outrageous, they usually aren’t. What does that even mean? “I’m not just a Pastoral Care Coordinator, I’m an OUTRAGEOUS Pastoral care coordinator!”


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