Ex Files: In Which 8 Years Will Become 9 Unless this Profile Changes Drastically

Every once in a while, I come across a profile SO BAD that I can’t help but wonder if the person is serious. Is it some sort of social experiment? Is it some kind of joke? Is it a tongue-in-cheek loss to a bet in which the loser had to set up a dating profile– and it was executed in the worst way the loser could possibly imagine?

Between the randomized capital letters, lack of punctuation, and whining, I’m not sure if I the note about being funny is hilarious or horribly tragic.


My self-summary

WELL I AM name deleted I AM old enough to know better. IM INTO PUNK,ROCKABILLY, AND METAL MUSIC, I LIKE HOT ROD SHOWS, CARSHOWS, COMICS, MOVIES, OLD BIKES,
I LOVE TO DRAW,
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK???
I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR OVER 8 F@#KING YEARS, I AM CLEAN, NEVER BEEN IN ANY KIND OF TROUBLE, NEVER BEEN TO JAIL OR PRISON,

What I’m doing with my life

OK, 1 TRYING TO GET A NICE PRETTY, SMART, GIRLFRIEND, BEEN HURT TOO LONG AND NEED TO FEEL LOVE AGAIN……
 

The first things people usually notice about me

i am funny
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Ex Files: In Which there are Reasons I am Still Single

Him:
I made it to the bottom of your profile yay! I think most people only look at the picture lol! I thought you were pretty interesting I’d like to claim my prize, I’d love to chat it up with you I’m usually always free :p benefits of being single!

Me: 
Thank you for your message, M***.
You may have your gold star, but I am far too fond of punctuation and properly capitalized pronouns to chat 🙂
Best wishes!


In my defense, I DID go to his profile before this response. It was egregiously worse. At least in his message he capitalized the letter i  before using it as a pronoun….

In Which I Reflect on Recent Milestones

It’s that time–the transition stage in which the description of this blog requires an update. It began as a the life adventures of a reluctantly single 20-something in her late somethings. Two years later, I can no longer claim those late somethings. It seems I have progressed into far deeper adulthood.

Continue reading “In Which I Reflect on Recent Milestones”

Ex Files: In Which I Get Blocked by a Judgmental Chicken Farmer

During the past several days, I have engaged in several conversations with single strangers.

One or two of them have struggled to get past: How are you? great! How was your day! wonderful, yours? Good, thanks. Have a good night! you too! (These conversations are clearly going nowhere.)

A few have been fun and engaging. (Which is both a blessing and a curse, because fun, engaging conversations take time. And time is a precious commodity. So they are fun and engaging in bits and pieces, with vast tracts of doing other things in between.)

And then there are the conversations that leave my wondering what the heck is happening? They begin in a promising fashion and devolve into… well, in the case of the chicken farmer, insult and assumption.
Continue reading “Ex Files: In Which I Get Blocked by a Judgmental Chicken Farmer”

Ex Files: In Which He Misses Cuddling and I Miss Decent Conversation

So here I am– Back to the realm of exchanging awkward internet ice breakers with strangers who think my profile picture is pretty.

(Of COURSE it’s pretty—It was taken by the talented Casey Butler—you can request a session with her at Today’s Portraits Tomorrow’s Treasures!)

As I re-embark on this quest for companionship obtained through internet connection, one thing I find baffling is the complete disregard many seem to display for either engaging conversation or propriety.

Lacking the dimensions of vocal inflection and facial expression, it is doubly important for message initiators to ask engaging questions—to give someone SOMETHING to reply to— or write something to FURTHER the conversation. Alas, many people write bland, insipid things, and wonder why the conversation doesn’t go anywhere. or they write things that really DON’T contribute to their efforts to establish a relationship.

When people read through my profile and attempt conversation, I feel obligated to at least humor them, but I have learned from network marketing to work with the working. I match effort with effort. I refuse to be scintillating if they are boring, but I will at least give them a chance.

All chances stop dead in their tracks, however, when either:
Continue reading “Ex Files: In Which He Misses Cuddling and I Miss Decent Conversation”

Ex Files: In Which A Stranger Discusses Awkward Dance Parties

After a rather long hiatus and affirming that the waiting-to-be-hit-on-the-grocery-store approach wasn’t working, I decided to update one of my dating profiles.

An hour in, and we already have shenanigans.

It started out promising.
His profile was engaging and made me laugh.
He messaged me first (something I always appreciate).
He used full sentences and punctuation.

It went downhill from there.

Continue reading “Ex Files: In Which A Stranger Discusses Awkward Dance Parties”