Ex Files: In Which there are Reasons I am Still Single

I made it to the bottom of your profile yay! I think most people only look at the picture lol! I thought you were pretty interesting I’d like to claim my prize, I’d love to chat it up with you I’m usually always free :p benefits of being single!

Thank you for your message, M***.
You may have your gold star, but I am far too fond of punctuation and properly capitalized pronouns to chat ūüôā
Best wishes!

In my defense, I DID go to his profile before this response. It was egregiously worse. At least in his message he capitalized the letter i ¬†before using it as a pronoun….


Ex Files: In Which A Stranger Discusses Awkward Dance Parties

After a rather long hiatus and affirming that the waiting-to-be-hit-on-the-grocery-store approach wasn’t working, I decided to update one of my dating profiles.

An hour in, and we already have shenanigans.

It started out promising.
His profile was engaging and made me laugh.
He messaged me first (something I always appreciate).
He used full sentences and punctuation.

It went downhill from there.

Continue reading “Ex Files: In Which A Stranger Discusses Awkward Dance Parties”

Ex Files: The Grammarphobic Need not Send Messages

Received today:

“What’s with women and their rants about grammar? Is that the only thing women learn in school?

You never see enough women at the higher echelons of science or tech discoveries, but yet people rant about a ‘u’ and a ‘you’. Jezuz C people..its called ‘casual conversations’!!. Get over it!”


Dear Sir,

Your strategy of expressing interest by attacking a woman for the contents of her profile is not likely to elicit for you the date you seem to be bitter about failing to have acquired.

If you dislike grammar¬†but the woman whose profile you are perusing seems to care a geat deal about it, move on to a different profile. It’s really quite simple (and saves you the embarrassment of revealing your chauvinistic sexism).

Maybe instead of condemning women for their lack of contribution to the scientific realm, you could simply acknowledge that if¬†a profile contains rants about “u,” the writer¬†simply want to be addressed as an adult rather than a Jr. High student. (Dozens of message asking “How r u? Wld u like¬†2 chatt???” get¬†old fast. But then, if you are resorting to verbally accosting women whose profiles disqualify you from their consideration, you are probably not having the problem of receiving dozens of messages, are you?)

Furthermore, I have seen many a man’s profile¬†containing similar so-called rants, so it is not just a woman thing. It is an “educated individual seeking a connection with a similarly educated individual” thing.¬†Personally, I would never date a man I could not respect; and as a¬†woman who¬†has acquired a Master’s Degree¬†in English Education, I could never respect a person who could¬†not introduce himself to¬†me using full words and at least an attempt at proper¬†punctuation.

How sad it is that you resent people having enough self respect that they set standards for themselves.

Best wishes in your quest for effortless conquest and low expectations.

By the way, since you seem to be uninformed, you can read about some of the Mothers of Technology here:


Ex Files: Of Cheeto Counting and Fishy Fathers

Message received tonight:


I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your
attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for
looks. You are clearly a 9/10 and here on POF we only
allow 6/10 maximum.

Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with your name, your favorite flower, how many Cheetos you can fit in your mouth at once (just curious) and if you prefer American or Italian cuisine. This is very serious business and I would advise you not to take my message lightly or you might anger my boss Poseidon, the lord of the seas.



Dear S*****,
I deeply regret your unfortunate choice to send me a generic copy/paste message.
Furthermore, how very deeply counterproductive to use any reference that gives a numerical indication of inadequacy. If you truly want to flatter a woman, call her a 10. Better than average is not really all that flattering. If you can’t in good conscience tell such an aggregious lie, a simple, “My, you sure appear to be lovely in the pictures you’ve posted” would be much better than attempting to mitigate the lack of idealhood by disclosing that you generally settle for girls who only meet 60%¬†of your general expectations.
(I bet you thought you were giving a compliment, didn’t you?)

However, you did seem to have a sense of humor, so I went to your profile. Alas, I discovered nothing more than five¬†short, nebulous sentences and a handful of pictures in which you are¬†showing off your manly strengthliness, musclitude, and unclothed torso.¬†Granted,¬†your muscles are¬†physically attractive; but let’s be real. How many¬†people posting half-nude photos are looking for¬†long-term monogomy?

Even if you were¬†looking for a serious relationship, however,¬†threatening me in¬†your¬†very first message is not a great way to go about establishing said relationship.¬†“Reply to me because I’m awesome” would be one thing, but “reply to me or face the wrath of a mythological seaweed slinger”?! no thanks. I’ll take my chances with mythology rather than acquiesce to someone who¬†tries to bully or guilt me¬†into a response.

I do not know how many¬†Cheetos I can fit into my mouth at one time. I have higher aspirations than to test¬†my mouth’s capacity for storing food before chewing it.

I’d say thank you for your interest; but since nothing in your¬†message was personalized, the best I can offer is grattitude for¬†prividing fodder for a blog post and lively¬†facebook¬†exchange regarding the complimentary¬†vs insulting nature of your message.

Good day, demigod, 

I’m sure there is hope for humanity. But at this particular moment, I’m just not feeling it.

(and what does he mean a 9/10?! If you don’t think I’m a 10, numerical evaluations can just be omitted. >_<)¬†

He Replied:
“You are everything I thought I didn’t want in a girl.”

What does this mean?

Am I supposed to feel bad that the person I decided to scorn has scorned me in return?
On second thought, HAS he scorned me? By using the past tense of thought, is he trying to indicate that he no longer thinks I am what he doesn’t want?

This is why proper grammar is essential. Muddy grammar makes for unclear communication. Can you communicate clearly? If so Thank an English teacher ^_^