Ex Files: In Which I Get Blocked by a Judgmental Chicken Farmer

During the past several days, I have engaged in several conversations with single strangers.

One or two of them have struggled to get past: How are you? great! How was your day! wonderful, yours? Good, thanks. Have a good night! you too! (These conversations are clearly going nowhere.)

A few have been fun and engaging. (Which is both a blessing and a curse, because fun, engaging conversations take time. And time is a precious commodity. So they are fun and engaging in bits and pieces, with vast tracts of doing other things in between.)

And then there are the conversations that leave my wondering what the heck is happening? They begin in a promising fashion and devolve into… well, in the case of the chicken farmer, insult and assumption.
Continue reading “Ex Files: In Which I Get Blocked by a Judgmental Chicken Farmer”


Ex Files: In Which A Stranger Discusses Awkward Dance Parties

After a rather long hiatus and affirming that the waiting-to-be-hit-on-the-grocery-store approach wasn’t working, I decided to update one of my dating profiles.

An hour in, and we already have shenanigans.

It started out promising.
His profile was engaging and made me laugh.
He messaged me first (something I always appreciate).
He used full sentences and punctuation.

It went downhill from there.

Continue reading “Ex Files: In Which A Stranger Discusses Awkward Dance Parties”

The Ex Files: Lost in Translation

Because there is never a dearth of interesting POF exchanges, another ex-files post for today!

Mr. Ex:
good morning, how are you doing today, gorgeous?
[Click to his profile. hmmmm…. no pic. no description. not interested. Nevertheless…. ]

Me: [Again, sans sufficient quantities of caffeine]
Please read my profile and try again.

Mr. Ex:
it is a conversation started. I am originally from central Europe and English is not my native language

[Ten minutes later, after I had not yet responded]

too bad u are that shallow

Hahahahahahahahahaha. Shallow? Because I asked you to read my profile? Specifically the part where I reference that I do not want first messages referencing nothing but my looks?
Oh, poor deluded, European, I commend you for learning multiple languages, but I do not think you understand the definition of shallow.
Best wishes with POF.

Ex Files: The Backfire

We take a break from our usually programmed writing to entertain you with this bit of conversational exchange.
(The past few days have been busy, and the weekend does not appear to be any less so. Nevertheless, POF antics continue.)

Yesterday Morning, I received the following message:

Mr. Ex:
Hello. How are you?
Your beautiful

[I usually ignore messages like these. But when I’m feeling particularly snarky–generally, prior to proper caffeine consumption–I will be cruel and rub people’s faces in their grammatical errors. (Note to self: For the betterment of humanity, drink more coffee before checking POF messages.)]

My beautiful what?

[The poor soul did not understand my criticism of his grammar, and within fifteen minutes sent the following reply:]

Mr. Ex:
You are beautiful. Your eyes. Your cute red hair. The looks in your pics. How you carry yourself in your pics. And you like coffee 😉 that’s always a plus

[Indeed, it is a plus. Unfortunately for you, I have not yet consumed enough of it to compel me to be decent to my fellow humanity.
By this time, I was getting ready for work, and did not actually read his message until things had slowed down at the front desk. For lack of anything better to say, I acknowledged his compliment with a simple: ]

Thank you for the compliment.

Two hours later,
Mr. Ex:
You are more that welcome.
What is an amazing person like you doing single?

[Oh, no. not cheesy pickup lines! I had already violated my own general rule of thumb concerning people whose first message to me rests on nothing more than bad grammar and comments about my looks. There was no way I was going to encourage this guy to use CHEESY PICK UP LINES TO BOOT. Unacceptable.

By this time, I was back in the stockroom, deliberating with my coworker about how best to handle the situation (Remember Doug? The person who inspired me to join PoF in the first place? Yeah. THAT coworker.) Well, I had decided that I would much rather take the “How to Lose a Guy” approach approach rather than the direct, “I’m just going to directly tell you no” approach. “Why don’t you tell him you’re divorced?” Doug suggested. Excellent! What better way to shake off an unwanted prospect than to present oneself as super sketchy, right?]

My divorce is almost finalized, so I’m just seeing what’s out there. How about you?

[Perfect, right? Any rational creature should be thinking, WHAT IN THE WORLD IS SHE DOING TROLLING AROUND FOR DATES IF SHE IS STILL OFFICIALLY MARRIED? But no. Twenty minutes later, Mr. Ex confirmed my suspicions that humanity has reached new lows]

Mr. Ex:
Well that’s good to know. I finalized my divorce last summer. I started working a lot to keep my mind busy. After trying to start things with a few girls in my town I decided that I needed to look around more. So a friend told me about pof. I thought what’s the worst that could happen… I don’t find anyone.
I do have to say I am sorry for breaking your third point.

[That’s good to know?! >< sigh….  And, BTW, you have broken more than the third point. But I’m glad you finally took the time to read my profile.]

Now then… should I mention my deep debt, my two kids, and the recently-dyed-pink hair? or should I just say thanks but no thanks?

11/24/13 Update:

This is what I ended up writing back:

“How’s your experience with POF been? Mine has been iffy. I mean, just because I’ve done jail time doesn’t mean I wanna hook up after a first date or accept propositions to become someone’s baby mama.”

I thought that would take care of it. I mean really, not-yet-divorced AND doing jail time? Surely this should raise some red flags.

But, the next day, he DID write back. He commented that he didn’t know that I had done time, and I must be a BadA**. @_@ (Serving time is now a POSITIVE thing? It disturbs me that he didn’t even ask what for.)

Obviously the “weird the guy out” tactic was not going to work. So, heeding the advice of a faithful reader who gently reminded me that honesty is the best policy,  I replied with the following:

Ok…. So, first I need to apologize. I was being snarky with my first message. And when you wrote back with a cheesy pick up line, I decided to see what your reaction would be to weird information.

In truth, I’m not divorced. I’ve never done time. And I’m sorry for being a jerk rather than just being up front from the beginning and saying that I don’t think we would be well suited. Please forgive me.

(also, I recommend that you set your sights a bit higher. You can do better than someone who trolls for dates before finalizing a divorce.)