In Which I am in the Zone–The Friend Zone, That Is

I am often guilty of writing singularly from the perspective of why the men I write about aren’t worthy of my consideration as potential candidates for romance. This might lead a reader to believe that I have an over-inflated view of my own desirability.

Not so. I have experienced my fair share of rejection. And I would be remiss not to share a bit about that.

So today I present: The FRIEND ZONE— a space I have spent a great deal of time in, particularly in the not-too-recent past.

Continue reading “In Which I am in the Zone–The Friend Zone, That Is”

Clear Pursuit

Though my views regarding dating have changed a great deal over the years (yeah, I’ve mellowed. A lot.), I am still quite traditional and old fashioned. I have pretty high ideals.

One of the greatest is that I expect to be pursued by a guy. Now maybe this is a huge problem. I am, after all, a girl who on a good day might range toward the upper end of average when it comes to the looks department. On a bad day without makeup, all bets are off. So maybe girls like me should be more like Charlotte Lucas and take what they are offered rather than aspiring toward a guy who will desire them and treat them as if they are valuable. But I’ve never been practical enough for that. Seriously, what girl doesn’t want to WANTED?

Last week, a guy told me that he couldn’t see any reason not to date me. Let me just tell you, that moment was not at all a win. A lack of why nots is great–really it is. But if it isn’t accompanied by an even more extensive list of reasons WHY, it’s not really flattering. (eh… you don’t party too much, do drugs, have a ton of ex drama, or a boatload of debt, and you’re not terribly ugly, so I might as well date you. Why not? YOLO, right? … ummmm no. )

Throughout my life, I’ve experienced plenty of passive interest from men; but rarely has it been accompanied by actual pursuit (Supposedly, I’m intimidating?). But my philosophy has always been (and continues to be) that if he isn’t interested enough to initiate communication/dating/whatever else have you, he isn’t interested enough. I am perfectly willing to follow someone’s lead and reciprocate, but I tend to gauge my responses based on the other person. So I am looking for a decisive leader. Someone who knows what they want and knows that I am part of whatever that is.

So, few things bother me more than wishy-washy guys who are unclear about what they want.
(Well, I might want to date you–that is, if you want to date me? But I have to know how you feel about me before I make any sort of indication of how I feel about you, because, you know, rejection sucks.)

This was already something I have been pondering recently, and then a friend asked me for advice regarding a girl he wanted to ask out. He had attempted to ask her out once before, but the conversation had turned into a mess of two people basing their own communication off of what the other person may or may not have been communicating, so it was a mess that ended mired in friend-zoned-ness.

He didn’t want to repeat the same mistake twice and thankfully, he was already thinking along the lines of my suggestion; but maybe you have found yourself in a similar situation?

My recommendation to guys is to just go for it. Be clear about your intentions and what you want. If she rejects you, so be it. But lingering quasi-expressions of passive interest are good for no one.

How do you do that?

You could always try this basic format:

I really like you.

This is what I like about you:

This is what I see the next level being:

This is why I think taking it to the next level would be a good thing:

Have I mentioned yet that I like you, admire you, enjoy your company/character/etc?
If not, let me remind you right now of what an awesome person you are and how my life is awesomer when you are in it.

Would you like to explore a deeper relationship with me?

Ex Files: Assumptions and Missed Opportunities

It’s been a whole week since I’ve updated! (And what a week it’s been! Between unexpected car problems, an increase in work hours, and the birth of my new little nephew, things have been busy. But even with all the busy-ness, online dating antics abound!)

I have quite a bit of catching up to do, and we shall begin with another example of how not to impress a woman with a first message. [Hint, insulting a person into a willingness to date you probably won’t work out for you.]

Yesterday I received the following from a POF user (his words in black, mine in blue):

OK.. so I loved the pics.. however I read your profile. This experience was a land mine field of rules vs boundaries.. [Why yes, it was. After my first day on this site, I realized I had to establish boundaries for the sake of my sanity. It has really helped to decrease the number of insanely strange messages I receive.] your in N—B—- and online dating yet being particular about anything.. esp [The word you seek is “you’re”. Furthermore, it seems as though you are indicating that participants in the online date-o-sphere must relinquish all personal standards. Just because you seem to have a poor opinion of those who engage in online dating does not mean that people must share your condescending attitude. I engage in online dating out of a desire to try a new approach. Not out of the desperation you clearly expect.] (sorry for abbreviating) spelling and grammar from loser rednecks and short sighted ignorant people who could care less about what you prefer. [Thank you for your insulting generalizations. Of course. ALL people who live in my town must be uneducated, po-dunk hillbillies. There’s no such thing as an educated farmer, is there? >_<] [And I hate to disillusion you from your sense of self-importance, but just because YOU don’t care about what I prefer does not mean that no one does.] Naturally it attracted me that you had some standards.. [Oh, goody!] until it became an SAT Test to get in to your private college.. which no one seems to be buying in to an Aspiring Evil Overload frat. [No one, eh? I’ve actually received quite a few favorable responses.] Elitist from N—-B—-.. is that even possible!? [Yes, it is. Shocking, isn’t it?] Im pretty sure anyone from N. B—- is just stuck up and full of themselves with a need to be deflated from their self absorbed perceptions. [Yes, excellent way to score a date—insult someone into dating you! Let me know how that works out for you, m’kay?] [Also, learn to use punctuation please.]

Now I agree in having standards.. but not from 1965.. its 2013.. you could get with the times.. and I know.. N B—– is what it is.. but that’s no excuse for someone claiming education and enlightenment. [Whoa—hold the phone. I have an education, but I never claimed to be “enlightened.” And it doesn’t matter what year it is. Class never goes out of style.] Just because your more smart [Should be “you’re smarter”. And yes, I am. Thanks for noticing.] then [than] the local village fool.. does not make you automatically an elitist.. [No. My refusal to date people who can’t use a high school level of grammar makes me an elitist.] you simply sound like a big fish in a small pond.. which I thought you may have qualities that could be useful.. [I could have been useful to you? Wow, what a compliment! How sad that I am missing my opportunity to be used by you…. >_<] but your ego got you all types of twisted. [Thank you for donating so much of your clearly valuable time in attempting to straighten me out.]

Why do I state all of this.. because I liked your pictures.. you seemed to want more.. but your words do not match your actions.. or rather they do.. so Im giving constructive criticism. #getyamindright then you and I could have a chance.. [Constructive criticism on how I can change myself to suit your preferences? Golly gee, Sir! Thanks for the opportunity to become the person you wish I were!] until then.. its N B—- country hogs and users who will dog you.. and what college did you get your degree from again.. ??? [Again? I never named it to begin with. One that taught me better grammar than yours taught you.] So if Im the first.. which being you have never had a real long term relationship yet state that’s what your looking for.. then I hate to break it to ya.. good luck.. youre going to need it. Such a pity.. your seemed like someone worth while. [hahahahaha. My pictures made me seem like someone worthwhile; but everything I had to say about myself and what I was looking for displeased you? Then how can I SEEM like someone worthwhile? A picture may say a thousand words, but the words a person chooses to represent themselves also say a great deal. I think it is you who needs the luck, sir. Also, please refrain from assumptions about the nature of my past relationships.]

Now prove me right or wrong.. or just dismiss me as a nutjob who has personal issues and is the reason Im speaking the Truth to you online with grammar you can tolerate [No. Your grammar has not been tolerable.] with your overly picky country ass. [That’s right. Default to insults about my location and demean my physiology. Girls LOVE being referred to with derrogative allusions to their body.]  Girls on this site never cease to amaze me with such foolishness.. [Because having standards that automatically disqualify jerks such as yourself is clearly a foolish decision on my part. Clearly.] but you might be the rare one to put me in check.. would be a fortunate change that’s for sure. [Oh, boy! How do I contain my excitement? There’s an offer I just can’t wait to take advantage of!]

So.. did I catch your Scorpio attention.. [Oh, boy, did you ever. >_<] did I use proper enough grammar.. was I direct enough with my aggression.. [About that… aggression might not have been the best choice.] did I INvoke (check your grammar) some kind of response that would facilitate further communication.. am I making hasty assumptions or just keen enough to know a shitty attitude from gold.. which is a rhetorical question. In short.. your assumption of men in the area is disheartening and simply limits you from good choices. [MY assumptions? o_0]

So.. your reply.. or lack thereof.. will certainly show your true colors.. or lack thereof.
[Alas, I must lack color! Oh no! whatever shall I do??????]

#meetingoftheminds
[Oh, goodness—hashtags? Twitter? REALLY?????]

Your move false pretense redhead.. come with the Truth or don’t come at all.

[False pretense? I might be considered pretentious, but there was nothing false about the motives I state in my profile. I hope Santa gives you a Dictionary for Christmas, Sir.]

Judgmental Elitist Seeks Sarcastic Cohort: a Profile of Prodigious Length and Why

When I first created my profile, It wasn’t much more than a bit of fluff. A lighthearted look at some of my whimsical tendencies, and a smattering of facts about myself:

If I were a season, I would be Autumn–the crisp, golden time of year when the inevitable is faced not with resignation but with bold beauty and passionate defiance. 

I think far too deeply about pretty much everything and view the world in terms of metaphor and meaning. (Half the time. The rest of the time, I talk about it in terms of sarcasm or witty banter.)
Continue reading “Judgmental Elitist Seeks Sarcastic Cohort: a Profile of Prodigious Length and Why”

Showcasing that “Great Personality”

“S/he’s got a great personality.”

Generally when these words are used to describe a person, it’s the universal way of saying, “Dude, s/he’s not hot.”

And those of us who fit into this category (notice I said “us”—more on that later) frequently decry the superficiality of our society, bemoaning that so much is judged by our outward appearance that the ‘great personality’ people rarely get a chance to display that personality, much less receive appreciation for their engaging humor, scintillating wit, brilliant creativity, or whatever else have you.  So I figured an internet profile forum would be an amazing compendium of people capitalizing on allowing their great personality to be showcased prior to a face-to-face encounter which might ordinarily cause them to be overlooked. (My disappointment has been rather profound.)

Continue reading “Showcasing that “Great Personality””

Anecdote of the Day!

Today has been terribly busy, and I’m a wee bit exhausted; so instead of writing a normal post, I shall share with you an anecdote from my fish files!

Today I received the following message from a POF user:
“what are you looking for off this site? If you don’t mind me asking.me I’m looking for someone who can be real no matter what the situation is:) met alot of fake ladys here in Minnesota since moving here in 02 😦 would love to find someone to spend time with and get to know, and go from there……”

I replied:
“If you had read my profile, you would know what I am looking for.”

Needless to say, I haven’t heard back from this user.
(But hey, at least I didn’t reply that I’m looking for someone who can properly pluralize lady.)

Advice: Always thoroughly read someone’s profile before messaging them for the first time.
(What would he have found had he taken the time to read my profile? stay tuned to find out.!)

(P.S. I have now been a POF user for one full week–what a week it’s been!)