Ex Files: In Which 8 Years Will Become 9 Unless this Profile Changes Drastically

Every once in a while, I come across a profile SO BAD that I can’t help but wonder if the person is serious. Is it some sort of social experiment? Is it some kind of joke? Is it a tongue-in-cheek loss to a bet in which the loser had to set up a dating profile– and it was executed in the worst way the loser could possibly imagine?

Between the randomized capital letters, lack of punctuation, and whining, I’m not sure if I the note about being funny is hilarious or horribly tragic.


My self-summary

WELL I AM name deleted I AM old enough to know better. IM INTO PUNK,ROCKABILLY, AND METAL MUSIC, I LIKE HOT ROD SHOWS, CARSHOWS, COMICS, MOVIES, OLD BIKES,
I LOVE TO DRAW,
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK???
I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR OVER 8 F@#KING YEARS, I AM CLEAN, NEVER BEEN IN ANY KIND OF TROUBLE, NEVER BEEN TO JAIL OR PRISON,

What I’m doing with my life

OK, 1 TRYING TO GET A NICE PRETTY, SMART, GIRLFRIEND, BEEN HURT TOO LONG AND NEED TO FEEL LOVE AGAIN……
 

The first things people usually notice about me

i am funny
Advertisements

Ex Files: In Which there are Reasons I am Still Single

Him:
I made it to the bottom of your profile yay! I think most people only look at the picture lol! I thought you were pretty interesting I’d like to claim my prize, I’d love to chat it up with you I’m usually always free :p benefits of being single!

Me: 
Thank you for your message, M***.
You may have your gold star, but I am far too fond of punctuation and properly capitalized pronouns to chat 🙂
Best wishes!


In my defense, I DID go to his profile before this response. It was egregiously worse. At least in his message he capitalized the letter i  before using it as a pronoun….

Ex Files: In Which He Misses Cuddling and I Miss Decent Conversation

So here I am– Back to the realm of exchanging awkward internet ice breakers with strangers who think my profile picture is pretty.

(Of COURSE it’s pretty—It was taken by the talented Casey Butler—you can request a session with her at Today’s Portraits Tomorrow’s Treasures!)

As I re-embark on this quest for companionship obtained through internet connection, one thing I find baffling is the complete disregard many seem to display for either engaging conversation or propriety.

Lacking the dimensions of vocal inflection and facial expression, it is doubly important for message initiators to ask engaging questions—to give someone SOMETHING to reply to— or write something to FURTHER the conversation. Alas, many people write bland, insipid things, and wonder why the conversation doesn’t go anywhere. or they write things that really DON’T contribute to their efforts to establish a relationship.

When people read through my profile and attempt conversation, I feel obligated to at least humor them, but I have learned from network marketing to work with the working. I match effort with effort. I refuse to be scintillating if they are boring, but I will at least give them a chance.

All chances stop dead in their tracks, however, when either:
Continue reading “Ex Files: In Which He Misses Cuddling and I Miss Decent Conversation”

Ex Files: In Which Rescheduling Hurts

Some back story:
T***** and I have been messaging since Monday, when I re-activated one of my online dating profiles.
Tuesday morning, he decided he wanted to meet me.

We settled on this evening in a town about twenty minutes away.
Between 8 and 10 this morning, he confirmed twice that we were still on for meeting up tonight.

At 3 PM, I received the following message:

Continue reading “Ex Files: In Which Rescheduling Hurts”

Ex Files: Return of the Ex-men

Well, here we are again, back in the realm of receiving email messages from strangers.

I get it, nice guys of the online dating world, you are frustrated that you send out message after message and very rarely get a response.

But—before complaining, please consider your message from the recipient’s perspective. Does it contain anything that would compel a woman to reply? Seriously, people, SELL YOURSELVES!

“Hi, how are you?” is bland and boring.

If this is the type of message you generally send as an icebreaker, stop. Just—please—stop.

I’ve received about 5 such messages in the past 2 hours. Though it is a vast improvement over crude innuendo and brazen invitations to engage in physical intimacy, there is NOTHING to distinguish it from other such messages than the profile picture that accompanies it.  Make yourself STAND OUT. Do something to show me you’ve read my profile rather than simply browsed my pictures. And please, do so in a GOOD way.

Don’t do it like these two unfortunate Ex-men:
Continue reading “Ex Files: Return of the Ex-men”