Clear Pursuit

Though my views regarding dating have changed a great deal over the years (yeah, I’ve mellowed. A lot.), I am still quite traditional and old fashioned. I have pretty high ideals.

One of the greatest is that I expect to be pursued by a guy. Now maybe this is a huge problem. I am, after all, a girl who on a good day might range toward the upper end of average when it comes to the looks department. On a bad day without makeup, all bets are off. So maybe girls like me should be more like Charlotte Lucas and take what they are offered rather than aspiring toward a guy who will desire them and treat them as if they are valuable. But I’ve never been practical enough for that. Seriously, what girl doesn’t want to WANTED?

Last week, a guy told me that he couldn’t see any reason not to date me. Let me just tell you, that moment was not at all a win. A lack of why nots is great–really it is. But if it isn’t accompanied by an even more extensive list of reasons WHY, it’s not really flattering. (eh… you don’t party too much, do drugs, have a ton of ex drama, or a boatload of debt, and you’re not terribly ugly, so I might as well date you. Why not? YOLO, right? … ummmm no. )

Throughout my life, I’ve experienced plenty of passive interest from men; but rarely has it been accompanied by actual pursuit (Supposedly, I’m intimidating?). But my philosophy has always been (and continues to be) that if he isn’t interested enough to initiate communication/dating/whatever else have you, he isn’t interested enough. I am perfectly willing to follow someone’s lead and reciprocate, but I tend to gauge my responses based on the other person. So I am looking for a decisive leader. Someone who knows what they want and knows that I am part of whatever that is.

So, few things bother me more than wishy-washy guys who are unclear about what they want.
(Well, I might want to date you–that is, if you want to date me? But I have to know how you feel about me before I make any sort of indication of how I feel about you, because, you know, rejection sucks.)

This was already something I have been pondering recently, and then a friend asked me for advice regarding a girl he wanted to ask out. He had attempted to ask her out once before, but the conversation had turned into a mess of two people basing their own communication off of what the other person may or may not have been communicating, so it was a mess that ended mired in friend-zoned-ness.

He didn’t want to repeat the same mistake twice and thankfully, he was already thinking along the lines of my suggestion; but maybe you have found yourself in a similar situation?

My recommendation to guys is to just go for it. Be clear about your intentions and what you want. If she rejects you, so be it. But lingering quasi-expressions of passive interest are good for no one.

How do you do that?

You could always try this basic format:

I really like you.

This is what I like about you:

This is what I see the next level being:

This is why I think taking it to the next level would be a good thing:

Have I mentioned yet that I like you, admire you, enjoy your company/character/etc?
If not, let me remind you right now of what an awesome person you are and how my life is awesomer when you are in it.

Would you like to explore a deeper relationship with me?

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Ex Files: The Grammarphobic Need not Send Messages

Received today:

“What’s with women and their rants about grammar? Is that the only thing women learn in school?

You never see enough women at the higher echelons of science or tech discoveries, but yet people rant about a ‘u’ and a ‘you’. Jezuz C people..its called ‘casual conversations’!!. Get over it!”

__

Dear Sir,

Your strategy of expressing interest by attacking a woman for the contents of her profile is not likely to elicit for you the date you seem to be bitter about failing to have acquired.

If you dislike grammar but the woman whose profile you are perusing seems to care a geat deal about it, move on to a different profile. It’s really quite simple (and saves you the embarrassment of revealing your chauvinistic sexism).

Maybe instead of condemning women for their lack of contribution to the scientific realm, you could simply acknowledge that if a profile contains rants about “u,” the writer simply want to be addressed as an adult rather than a Jr. High student. (Dozens of message asking “How r u? Wld u like 2 chatt???” get old fast. But then, if you are resorting to verbally accosting women whose profiles disqualify you from their consideration, you are probably not having the problem of receiving dozens of messages, are you?)

Furthermore, I have seen many a man’s profile containing similar so-called rants, so it is not just a woman thing. It is an “educated individual seeking a connection with a similarly educated individual” thing. Personally, I would never date a man I could not respect; and as a woman who has acquired a Master’s Degree in English Education, I could never respect a person who could not introduce himself to me using full words and at least an attempt at proper punctuation.

How sad it is that you resent people having enough self respect that they set standards for themselves.

Best wishes in your quest for effortless conquest and low expectations.

By the way, since you seem to be uninformed, you can read about some of the Mothers of Technology here:
http://www.biztechmagazine.com/article/2012/05/mothers-technology-10-women-who-invented-and-innovated-tech

Cheers,
~C

Ex Files: Failure to Communicate

Merry Belated Christmas! I’ve been gone for a bit (much to share about car trouble, new nephews, and stun gun acquisition) but for now, a glimpse of POF nonsense:

He wrote: 

OK so I’ll be honest here this is probably going to be a waste of my time but what the heck lol hi lol my name is J** a little about me I’m a pretty laid back guy not big into the bar scene any more if I have a few its usually with a few friends and a fire I have a good job but I’m gone during the week but get weekends and winters off I do have a place but my sister and brother live there so I rent lol long story lol I have no kids buuuuuut lol I do a lot with my exes boy he’s 10 he’s a good kid we’ve been apart almost two years but he was a year old when we met and his dad is about worthless lol well I’ve probably bored you enough so if for some odd reason you’d like to chat hit me up you seem pretty cool and sane compared to a lot on here lol

I replied: 

You will probably have better luck if

A) you write personalized messages that don’t contain a bunch of copied and pasted information making no reference to the information in the profile of the person you are messaging.

B) You don’t begin your message with an attempted guilt trip. Any time a guy sends me a message containing, “This will probably be a waste of my time,” that is exactly what it becomes.

Best wishes as you continue your search,
~C

Using punctuation would have made an incredibly worthy C (I mean, come on, if you are going to copy and paste a message, the least you can do is take the time to proofread your copy), but I figured I had already been harsh enough.  (my inner grammarian was definitely twitching, though >_<)

Ex Files: Assumptions and Missed Opportunities

It’s been a whole week since I’ve updated! (And what a week it’s been! Between unexpected car problems, an increase in work hours, and the birth of my new little nephew, things have been busy. But even with all the busy-ness, online dating antics abound!)

I have quite a bit of catching up to do, and we shall begin with another example of how not to impress a woman with a first message. [Hint, insulting a person into a willingness to date you probably won’t work out for you.]

Yesterday I received the following from a POF user (his words in black, mine in blue):

OK.. so I loved the pics.. however I read your profile. This experience was a land mine field of rules vs boundaries.. [Why yes, it was. After my first day on this site, I realized I had to establish boundaries for the sake of my sanity. It has really helped to decrease the number of insanely strange messages I receive.] your in N—B—- and online dating yet being particular about anything.. esp [The word you seek is “you’re”. Furthermore, it seems as though you are indicating that participants in the online date-o-sphere must relinquish all personal standards. Just because you seem to have a poor opinion of those who engage in online dating does not mean that people must share your condescending attitude. I engage in online dating out of a desire to try a new approach. Not out of the desperation you clearly expect.] (sorry for abbreviating) spelling and grammar from loser rednecks and short sighted ignorant people who could care less about what you prefer. [Thank you for your insulting generalizations. Of course. ALL people who live in my town must be uneducated, po-dunk hillbillies. There’s no such thing as an educated farmer, is there? >_<] [And I hate to disillusion you from your sense of self-importance, but just because YOU don’t care about what I prefer does not mean that no one does.] Naturally it attracted me that you had some standards.. [Oh, goody!] until it became an SAT Test to get in to your private college.. which no one seems to be buying in to an Aspiring Evil Overload frat. [No one, eh? I’ve actually received quite a few favorable responses.] Elitist from N—-B—-.. is that even possible!? [Yes, it is. Shocking, isn’t it?] Im pretty sure anyone from N. B—- is just stuck up and full of themselves with a need to be deflated from their self absorbed perceptions. [Yes, excellent way to score a date—insult someone into dating you! Let me know how that works out for you, m’kay?] [Also, learn to use punctuation please.]

Now I agree in having standards.. but not from 1965.. its 2013.. you could get with the times.. and I know.. N B—– is what it is.. but that’s no excuse for someone claiming education and enlightenment. [Whoa—hold the phone. I have an education, but I never claimed to be “enlightened.” And it doesn’t matter what year it is. Class never goes out of style.] Just because your more smart [Should be “you’re smarter”. And yes, I am. Thanks for noticing.] then [than] the local village fool.. does not make you automatically an elitist.. [No. My refusal to date people who can’t use a high school level of grammar makes me an elitist.] you simply sound like a big fish in a small pond.. which I thought you may have qualities that could be useful.. [I could have been useful to you? Wow, what a compliment! How sad that I am missing my opportunity to be used by you…. >_<] but your ego got you all types of twisted. [Thank you for donating so much of your clearly valuable time in attempting to straighten me out.]

Why do I state all of this.. because I liked your pictures.. you seemed to want more.. but your words do not match your actions.. or rather they do.. so Im giving constructive criticism. #getyamindright then you and I could have a chance.. [Constructive criticism on how I can change myself to suit your preferences? Golly gee, Sir! Thanks for the opportunity to become the person you wish I were!] until then.. its N B—- country hogs and users who will dog you.. and what college did you get your degree from again.. ??? [Again? I never named it to begin with. One that taught me better grammar than yours taught you.] So if Im the first.. which being you have never had a real long term relationship yet state that’s what your looking for.. then I hate to break it to ya.. good luck.. youre going to need it. Such a pity.. your seemed like someone worth while. [hahahahaha. My pictures made me seem like someone worthwhile; but everything I had to say about myself and what I was looking for displeased you? Then how can I SEEM like someone worthwhile? A picture may say a thousand words, but the words a person chooses to represent themselves also say a great deal. I think it is you who needs the luck, sir. Also, please refrain from assumptions about the nature of my past relationships.]

Now prove me right or wrong.. or just dismiss me as a nutjob who has personal issues and is the reason Im speaking the Truth to you online with grammar you can tolerate [No. Your grammar has not been tolerable.] with your overly picky country ass. [That’s right. Default to insults about my location and demean my physiology. Girls LOVE being referred to with derrogative allusions to their body.]  Girls on this site never cease to amaze me with such foolishness.. [Because having standards that automatically disqualify jerks such as yourself is clearly a foolish decision on my part. Clearly.] but you might be the rare one to put me in check.. would be a fortunate change that’s for sure. [Oh, boy! How do I contain my excitement? There’s an offer I just can’t wait to take advantage of!]

So.. did I catch your Scorpio attention.. [Oh, boy, did you ever. >_<] did I use proper enough grammar.. was I direct enough with my aggression.. [About that… aggression might not have been the best choice.] did I INvoke (check your grammar) some kind of response that would facilitate further communication.. am I making hasty assumptions or just keen enough to know a shitty attitude from gold.. which is a rhetorical question. In short.. your assumption of men in the area is disheartening and simply limits you from good choices. [MY assumptions? o_0]

So.. your reply.. or lack thereof.. will certainly show your true colors.. or lack thereof.
[Alas, I must lack color! Oh no! whatever shall I do??????]

#meetingoftheminds
[Oh, goodness—hashtags? Twitter? REALLY?????]

Your move false pretense redhead.. come with the Truth or don’t come at all.

[False pretense? I might be considered pretentious, but there was nothing false about the motives I state in my profile. I hope Santa gives you a Dictionary for Christmas, Sir.]