In Which God’s Gift to the Female Population Writes a Profile

I’m about to analyze a profile from the female perspective. My words will be in brackets. Everything else is his.

About Him & Who He’s Looking For 

[Spoiler: It’s actually more about who he’s looking for–and she’s a great catch! The question I want to know: Is he????]

Continue reading “In Which God’s Gift to the Female Population Writes a Profile”


Ex Files: In Which there are Reasons I am Still Single

I made it to the bottom of your profile yay! I think most people only look at the picture lol! I thought you were pretty interesting I’d like to claim my prize, I’d love to chat it up with you I’m usually always free :p benefits of being single!

Thank you for your message, M***.
You may have your gold star, but I am far too fond of punctuation and properly capitalized pronouns to chat 🙂
Best wishes!

In my defense, I DID go to his profile before this response. It was egregiously worse. At least in his message he capitalized the letter i  before using it as a pronoun….

Ex Files: Failure to Communicate

Merry Belated Christmas! I’ve been gone for a bit (much to share about car trouble, new nephews, and stun gun acquisition) but for now, a glimpse of POF nonsense:

He wrote: 

OK so I’ll be honest here this is probably going to be a waste of my time but what the heck lol hi lol my name is J** a little about me I’m a pretty laid back guy not big into the bar scene any more if I have a few its usually with a few friends and a fire I have a good job but I’m gone during the week but get weekends and winters off I do have a place but my sister and brother live there so I rent lol long story lol I have no kids buuuuuut lol I do a lot with my exes boy he’s 10 he’s a good kid we’ve been apart almost two years but he was a year old when we met and his dad is about worthless lol well I’ve probably bored you enough so if for some odd reason you’d like to chat hit me up you seem pretty cool and sane compared to a lot on here lol

I replied: 

You will probably have better luck if

A) you write personalized messages that don’t contain a bunch of copied and pasted information making no reference to the information in the profile of the person you are messaging.

B) You don’t begin your message with an attempted guilt trip. Any time a guy sends me a message containing, “This will probably be a waste of my time,” that is exactly what it becomes.

Best wishes as you continue your search,

Using punctuation would have made an incredibly worthy C (I mean, come on, if you are going to copy and paste a message, the least you can do is take the time to proofread your copy), but I figured I had already been harsh enough.  (my inner grammarian was definitely twitching, though >_<)

Ex Files: Assumptions and Missed Opportunities

It’s been a whole week since I’ve updated! (And what a week it’s been! Between unexpected car problems, an increase in work hours, and the birth of my new little nephew, things have been busy. But even with all the busy-ness, online dating antics abound!)

I have quite a bit of catching up to do, and we shall begin with another example of how not to impress a woman with a first message. [Hint, insulting a person into a willingness to date you probably won’t work out for you.]

Yesterday I received the following from a POF user (his words in black, mine in blue):

OK.. so I loved the pics.. however I read your profile. This experience was a land mine field of rules vs boundaries.. [Why yes, it was. After my first day on this site, I realized I had to establish boundaries for the sake of my sanity. It has really helped to decrease the number of insanely strange messages I receive.] your in N—B—- and online dating yet being particular about anything.. esp [The word you seek is “you’re”. Furthermore, it seems as though you are indicating that participants in the online date-o-sphere must relinquish all personal standards. Just because you seem to have a poor opinion of those who engage in online dating does not mean that people must share your condescending attitude. I engage in online dating out of a desire to try a new approach. Not out of the desperation you clearly expect.] (sorry for abbreviating) spelling and grammar from loser rednecks and short sighted ignorant people who could care less about what you prefer. [Thank you for your insulting generalizations. Of course. ALL people who live in my town must be uneducated, po-dunk hillbillies. There’s no such thing as an educated farmer, is there? >_<] [And I hate to disillusion you from your sense of self-importance, but just because YOU don’t care about what I prefer does not mean that no one does.] Naturally it attracted me that you had some standards.. [Oh, goody!] until it became an SAT Test to get in to your private college.. which no one seems to be buying in to an Aspiring Evil Overload frat. [No one, eh? I’ve actually received quite a few favorable responses.] Elitist from N—-B—-.. is that even possible!? [Yes, it is. Shocking, isn’t it?] Im pretty sure anyone from N. B—- is just stuck up and full of themselves with a need to be deflated from their self absorbed perceptions. [Yes, excellent way to score a date—insult someone into dating you! Let me know how that works out for you, m’kay?] [Also, learn to use punctuation please.]

Now I agree in having standards.. but not from 1965.. its 2013.. you could get with the times.. and I know.. N B—– is what it is.. but that’s no excuse for someone claiming education and enlightenment. [Whoa—hold the phone. I have an education, but I never claimed to be “enlightened.” And it doesn’t matter what year it is. Class never goes out of style.] Just because your more smart [Should be “you’re smarter”. And yes, I am. Thanks for noticing.] then [than] the local village fool.. does not make you automatically an elitist.. [No. My refusal to date people who can’t use a high school level of grammar makes me an elitist.] you simply sound like a big fish in a small pond.. which I thought you may have qualities that could be useful.. [I could have been useful to you? Wow, what a compliment! How sad that I am missing my opportunity to be used by you…. >_<] but your ego got you all types of twisted. [Thank you for donating so much of your clearly valuable time in attempting to straighten me out.]

Why do I state all of this.. because I liked your pictures.. you seemed to want more.. but your words do not match your actions.. or rather they do.. so Im giving constructive criticism. #getyamindright then you and I could have a chance.. [Constructive criticism on how I can change myself to suit your preferences? Golly gee, Sir! Thanks for the opportunity to become the person you wish I were!] until then.. its N B—- country hogs and users who will dog you.. and what college did you get your degree from again.. ??? [Again? I never named it to begin with. One that taught me better grammar than yours taught you.] So if Im the first.. which being you have never had a real long term relationship yet state that’s what your looking for.. then I hate to break it to ya.. good luck.. youre going to need it. Such a pity.. your seemed like someone worth while. [hahahahaha. My pictures made me seem like someone worthwhile; but everything I had to say about myself and what I was looking for displeased you? Then how can I SEEM like someone worthwhile? A picture may say a thousand words, but the words a person chooses to represent themselves also say a great deal. I think it is you who needs the luck, sir. Also, please refrain from assumptions about the nature of my past relationships.]

Now prove me right or wrong.. or just dismiss me as a nutjob who has personal issues and is the reason Im speaking the Truth to you online with grammar you can tolerate [No. Your grammar has not been tolerable.] with your overly picky country ass. [That’s right. Default to insults about my location and demean my physiology. Girls LOVE being referred to with derrogative allusions to their body.]  Girls on this site never cease to amaze me with such foolishness.. [Because having standards that automatically disqualify jerks such as yourself is clearly a foolish decision on my part. Clearly.] but you might be the rare one to put me in check.. would be a fortunate change that’s for sure. [Oh, boy! How do I contain my excitement? There’s an offer I just can’t wait to take advantage of!]

So.. did I catch your Scorpio attention.. [Oh, boy, did you ever. >_<] did I use proper enough grammar.. was I direct enough with my aggression.. [About that… aggression might not have been the best choice.] did I INvoke (check your grammar) some kind of response that would facilitate further communication.. am I making hasty assumptions or just keen enough to know a shitty attitude from gold.. which is a rhetorical question. In short.. your assumption of men in the area is disheartening and simply limits you from good choices. [MY assumptions? o_0]

So.. your reply.. or lack thereof.. will certainly show your true colors.. or lack thereof.
[Alas, I must lack color! Oh no! whatever shall I do??????]

[Oh, goodness—hashtags? Twitter? REALLY?????]

Your move false pretense redhead.. come with the Truth or don’t come at all.

[False pretense? I might be considered pretentious, but there was nothing false about the motives I state in my profile. I hope Santa gives you a Dictionary for Christmas, Sir.]

Ex Files: Outdoorsman With a Sweet Tooth

Received today:

“What sort of outdoor activities do you like?”

That was it. No introduction. No salutation or general greeting. Let’s just cut straight to the point, shall we? Direct. And it really wouldn’t be so bad except that there isn’t terribly much in my profile about outdoorsy-ness. I include that I like being outdoors but that my love of nature is supremely hampered by a deep and virulent loathing of spiders.

Nevertheless, I decided to check out his profile just to see what he might have to say about himself.

He seems like a decent fellow. He writes in full sentences, uses paragraph form, and capitalizes the beginning of each sentence (as well as the personal pronoun “I”). He mentions about five times. though, how much he enjoys the outdoors.

I’m probably not his ideal match, especially considering that he writes he is looking for a girl who likes the outdoors, who is sweet, and who is down to earth.

Down to earth? yeah… not so much.

So, I replied:

“Well, Michael,
I enjoy various outdoor activities; however, since you are looking for a “sweet” girl, I won’t waste your time by listing them. (My profile indicates aspirations of world domination, so I don’t think I’m your type.)


(At least this fish seemed decent, quite pleasant, and grammatical. I wish him luck in his quest for a girl who is sweet, down to earth, and a little less evil-overlordship inclined.)

Ex Files: Of Cheeto Counting and Fishy Fathers

Message received tonight:


I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your
attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for
looks. You are clearly a 9/10 and here on POF we only
allow 6/10 maximum.

Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with your name, your favorite flower, how many Cheetos you can fit in your mouth at once (just curious) and if you prefer American or Italian cuisine. This is very serious business and I would advise you not to take my message lightly or you might anger my boss Poseidon, the lord of the seas.



Dear S*****,
I deeply regret your unfortunate choice to send me a generic copy/paste message.
Furthermore, how very deeply counterproductive to use any reference that gives a numerical indication of inadequacy. If you truly want to flatter a woman, call her a 10. Better than average is not really all that flattering. If you can’t in good conscience tell such an aggregious lie, a simple, “My, you sure appear to be lovely in the pictures you’ve posted” would be much better than attempting to mitigate the lack of idealhood by disclosing that you generally settle for girls who only meet 60% of your general expectations.
(I bet you thought you were giving a compliment, didn’t you?)

However, you did seem to have a sense of humor, so I went to your profile. Alas, I discovered nothing more than five short, nebulous sentences and a handful of pictures in which you are showing off your manly strengthliness, musclitude, and unclothed torso. Granted, your muscles are physically attractive; but let’s be real. How many people posting half-nude photos are looking for long-term monogomy?

Even if you were looking for a serious relationship, however, threatening me in your very first message is not a great way to go about establishing said relationship. “Reply to me because I’m awesome” would be one thing, but “reply to me or face the wrath of a mythological seaweed slinger”?! no thanks. I’ll take my chances with mythology rather than acquiesce to someone who tries to bully or guilt me into a response.

I do not know how many Cheetos I can fit into my mouth at one time. I have higher aspirations than to test my mouth’s capacity for storing food before chewing it.

I’d say thank you for your interest; but since nothing in your message was personalized, the best I can offer is grattitude for prividing fodder for a blog post and lively facebook exchange regarding the complimentary vs insulting nature of your message.

Good day, demigod, 

I’m sure there is hope for humanity. But at this particular moment, I’m just not feeling it.

(and what does he mean a 9/10?! If you don’t think I’m a 10, numerical evaluations can just be omitted. >_<) 

He Replied:
“You are everything I thought I didn’t want in a girl.”

What does this mean?

Am I supposed to feel bad that the person I decided to scorn has scorned me in return?
On second thought, HAS he scorned me? By using the past tense of thought, is he trying to indicate that he no longer thinks I am what he doesn’t want?

This is why proper grammar is essential. Muddy grammar makes for unclear communication. Can you communicate clearly? If so Thank an English teacher ^_^

Requirements for Eliciting a Response

Several posts ago, I promised to supply you with some samples of great intro emails. That was delayed for two reasons:
First, due to the hasty deletion and recreation of my profile (for reasons I’ll share later), I lost several of my best samples.

Note to self: ALWAYS copy and paste good material into Word. ALWAYS.

Second, I’ve slowed down quite a bit with my online interaction. This weekend, I had encounters (which weren’t quite dates in the fullest sense of the world bit which weren’t quite not, either) three and four with a swing dancing physicist who sang me a puntastic parody called “Isn’t it Ionic?” while I sipped hot cocoa and he strummed his guitar in front of a cozy fireplace.

(It’s really hard to be invested in continued online interaction when tall, dark, and witty is sharing youtube videos of the VLog brothers, explaining base-5 counting systems, and cooking impromptu versions of pad Thai.

*Sometimes, I feel too smart for the guys I meet. But in this case, I feel like he might be too smart for me! I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone with such an insatiable desire for awesome; and I suspect he might just find himself bored by me before too long. We shall see. In the meantime, I sure have been enjoying getting to know him. ^_^)

That said, I have received a few response-worthy messages this week from POF would-be prospects. While they are not nearly as epic as some from my former profile, they are still good examples of great introductory messages.

Continue reading “Requirements for Eliciting a Response”