Ex-Files: Female Dogs and Feigned Faith

Once more we have jumped back into the world of online dating.



This time around, due to the pleas of my mother, in addition to the free dating site on which I’ve re-activated my profile, I decided to also try a paid service.

Thus far, I’ve been underwhelmed by my investment in Match.com.

It seems that there are three main types of men whom I have encountered so far through this site:

  1. Men every bit as equally unsavory as the unsavory sorts I encounter on the free sites. (Not all the men on the free sites are unsavory. I’m just clarifying that I seem to encounter an equal number of them on the paid site)
  2. Men who believe that since they have paid money for a subscription to Match, they deserve a return for their investment without actual effort on their part.

  3. Men who are (or think that they are) the entire package and thus, expect to find someone as equally excellent and beautiful and worthy of the excellence that would be bestowed upon them should the gentleman in question deign to grace her with a date.

But that is a post for another time.

Today’s post examines the self-righteous perspective of an online dater who went through the effort of sending a personalized message only to have it remain unacknowledged.

Continue reading “Ex-Files: Female Dogs and Feigned Faith”


In Which Plenty of Fish is Referred to as an “Abomination from Hell”

I normally wouldn’t share something that contains this much offensive language (so here is your disclaimer. If crude language offends you, don’t read this), but in this UK-published Huffington Post article, the author compares Plenty of Fish to OK Cupid. I had been on both sites, and this post made me laugh. several times. Loudly.

So, for your reading pleasure:
Dating Wars! OK Cupid VS Plenty of Fish


Preparing Your Family for Online Dating

If you have a tight-knit relationship with your family (as I do), or, if one or more of your parental units happens to work in the field of safety (as one of mine does), it would be a good idea to prepare them for the fact that you have decided to explore the world of online dating.

How does online dating look to deeply concerned family members? Let’s just say that a conversation I had with mom/sis on the night I was preparing for my first date went something like this:

Me: I’ve got a date tonight.

Mother/Sister: Oh! You’ve met someone?

Me: I’m meeting him tonight.

Mother/Sister: You don’t even know him? Where are you meeting? Someplace public?

Me: Nah, I asked him to meet me in a poorly lit, deserted alley…. >_<
We’re meeting at Starbucks.

Mother/Sister: What’s his name?

Me: P*******

Mother/Sister: What’s his last name?

Me: I don’t know.

Mother/Sister: You’re meeting with a guy whose full name you don’t even know?

Well, I didn’t give him my last name. And I figured I would wait until after our first date to ask for his banking information and social security number.

What are you wearing?

Me: Jeans and a sweater with that cute new scarf Laura gave me.

Mother/Sister: Isn’t a scarf dangerous? I mean, what if he tries to strangle you with it?

Me: I’m pretty sure I’ll be ok. The barista at Starbucks will probably call the police if she notices a guy choking me with my scarf.

Mother/Sister: Don’t get into a car with him.

Me: I have my own, so I’m sure that won’t be necessary–

Mother/Sister: –Unless there’s a few other people riding as well.

Me: Yeah, gang-raped is definitely preferable to being kidnapped and stuffed in a trunk….

(Needless to say, that particular bit of snarky humor didn’t go over too well with family members deeply concerned for my well-being and only gave them MORE to worry about.)

Is meeting up with strangers encountered through the internet risky? Sure it is. But it would be equally risky to meet up with someone who hit on me in  grocery store (not that this has ever actually happened–which is one of the many reasons why I have found online dating an acceptable alternative to an ever-deepening relationship with Netflix).

But to the safety-conscious individual, online dating is pretty much equated with CSI/Criminal Minds fodder.

After successfully meeting six strangers (and surviving unharmed) I had thought my family was adjusting remarkably well to the idea. My mom no longer demanded to be texted a picture before each date (to hand to the police in case they ever needed to know what I had last been seen wearing), and my sister no longer evaluated my outfits for choking hazards.

But once a concerned parent, always a concerned parent.

Apparently, they aren’t as comfortable as they attempt to convince me they are.
For Christmas I was gifted with a stun gun.

Potential dates, beware: Going out with me might be a shocking experience!

Ex Files: Failure to Communicate

Merry Belated Christmas! I’ve been gone for a bit (much to share about car trouble, new nephews, and stun gun acquisition) but for now, a glimpse of POF nonsense:

He wrote: 

OK so I’ll be honest here this is probably going to be a waste of my time but what the heck lol hi lol my name is J** a little about me I’m a pretty laid back guy not big into the bar scene any more if I have a few its usually with a few friends and a fire I have a good job but I’m gone during the week but get weekends and winters off I do have a place but my sister and brother live there so I rent lol long story lol I have no kids buuuuuut lol I do a lot with my exes boy he’s 10 he’s a good kid we’ve been apart almost two years but he was a year old when we met and his dad is about worthless lol well I’ve probably bored you enough so if for some odd reason you’d like to chat hit me up you seem pretty cool and sane compared to a lot on here lol

I replied: 

You will probably have better luck if

A) you write personalized messages that don’t contain a bunch of copied and pasted information making no reference to the information in the profile of the person you are messaging.

B) You don’t begin your message with an attempted guilt trip. Any time a guy sends me a message containing, “This will probably be a waste of my time,” that is exactly what it becomes.

Best wishes as you continue your search,

Using punctuation would have made an incredibly worthy C (I mean, come on, if you are going to copy and paste a message, the least you can do is take the time to proofread your copy), but I figured I had already been harsh enough.  (my inner grammarian was definitely twitching, though >_<)

Ex Files: Assumptions and Missed Opportunities

It’s been a whole week since I’ve updated! (And what a week it’s been! Between unexpected car problems, an increase in work hours, and the birth of my new little nephew, things have been busy. But even with all the busy-ness, online dating antics abound!)

I have quite a bit of catching up to do, and we shall begin with another example of how not to impress a woman with a first message. [Hint, insulting a person into a willingness to date you probably won’t work out for you.]

Yesterday I received the following from a POF user (his words in black, mine in blue):

OK.. so I loved the pics.. however I read your profile. This experience was a land mine field of rules vs boundaries.. [Why yes, it was. After my first day on this site, I realized I had to establish boundaries for the sake of my sanity. It has really helped to decrease the number of insanely strange messages I receive.] your in N—B—- and online dating yet being particular about anything.. esp [The word you seek is “you’re”. Furthermore, it seems as though you are indicating that participants in the online date-o-sphere must relinquish all personal standards. Just because you seem to have a poor opinion of those who engage in online dating does not mean that people must share your condescending attitude. I engage in online dating out of a desire to try a new approach. Not out of the desperation you clearly expect.] (sorry for abbreviating) spelling and grammar from loser rednecks and short sighted ignorant people who could care less about what you prefer. [Thank you for your insulting generalizations. Of course. ALL people who live in my town must be uneducated, po-dunk hillbillies. There’s no such thing as an educated farmer, is there? >_<] [And I hate to disillusion you from your sense of self-importance, but just because YOU don’t care about what I prefer does not mean that no one does.] Naturally it attracted me that you had some standards.. [Oh, goody!] until it became an SAT Test to get in to your private college.. which no one seems to be buying in to an Aspiring Evil Overload frat. [No one, eh? I’ve actually received quite a few favorable responses.] Elitist from N—-B—-.. is that even possible!? [Yes, it is. Shocking, isn’t it?] Im pretty sure anyone from N. B—- is just stuck up and full of themselves with a need to be deflated from their self absorbed perceptions. [Yes, excellent way to score a date—insult someone into dating you! Let me know how that works out for you, m’kay?] [Also, learn to use punctuation please.]

Now I agree in having standards.. but not from 1965.. its 2013.. you could get with the times.. and I know.. N B—– is what it is.. but that’s no excuse for someone claiming education and enlightenment. [Whoa—hold the phone. I have an education, but I never claimed to be “enlightened.” And it doesn’t matter what year it is. Class never goes out of style.] Just because your more smart [Should be “you’re smarter”. And yes, I am. Thanks for noticing.] then [than] the local village fool.. does not make you automatically an elitist.. [No. My refusal to date people who can’t use a high school level of grammar makes me an elitist.] you simply sound like a big fish in a small pond.. which I thought you may have qualities that could be useful.. [I could have been useful to you? Wow, what a compliment! How sad that I am missing my opportunity to be used by you…. >_<] but your ego got you all types of twisted. [Thank you for donating so much of your clearly valuable time in attempting to straighten me out.]

Why do I state all of this.. because I liked your pictures.. you seemed to want more.. but your words do not match your actions.. or rather they do.. so Im giving constructive criticism. #getyamindright then you and I could have a chance.. [Constructive criticism on how I can change myself to suit your preferences? Golly gee, Sir! Thanks for the opportunity to become the person you wish I were!] until then.. its N B—- country hogs and users who will dog you.. and what college did you get your degree from again.. ??? [Again? I never named it to begin with. One that taught me better grammar than yours taught you.] So if Im the first.. which being you have never had a real long term relationship yet state that’s what your looking for.. then I hate to break it to ya.. good luck.. youre going to need it. Such a pity.. your seemed like someone worth while. [hahahahaha. My pictures made me seem like someone worthwhile; but everything I had to say about myself and what I was looking for displeased you? Then how can I SEEM like someone worthwhile? A picture may say a thousand words, but the words a person chooses to represent themselves also say a great deal. I think it is you who needs the luck, sir. Also, please refrain from assumptions about the nature of my past relationships.]

Now prove me right or wrong.. or just dismiss me as a nutjob who has personal issues and is the reason Im speaking the Truth to you online with grammar you can tolerate [No. Your grammar has not been tolerable.] with your overly picky country ass. [That’s right. Default to insults about my location and demean my physiology. Girls LOVE being referred to with derrogative allusions to their body.]  Girls on this site never cease to amaze me with such foolishness.. [Because having standards that automatically disqualify jerks such as yourself is clearly a foolish decision on my part. Clearly.] but you might be the rare one to put me in check.. would be a fortunate change that’s for sure. [Oh, boy! How do I contain my excitement? There’s an offer I just can’t wait to take advantage of!]

So.. did I catch your Scorpio attention.. [Oh, boy, did you ever. >_<] did I use proper enough grammar.. was I direct enough with my aggression.. [About that… aggression might not have been the best choice.] did I INvoke (check your grammar) some kind of response that would facilitate further communication.. am I making hasty assumptions or just keen enough to know a shitty attitude from gold.. which is a rhetorical question. In short.. your assumption of men in the area is disheartening and simply limits you from good choices. [MY assumptions? o_0]

So.. your reply.. or lack thereof.. will certainly show your true colors.. or lack thereof.
[Alas, I must lack color! Oh no! whatever shall I do??????]

[Oh, goodness—hashtags? Twitter? REALLY?????]

Your move false pretense redhead.. come with the Truth or don’t come at all.

[False pretense? I might be considered pretentious, but there was nothing false about the motives I state in my profile. I hope Santa gives you a Dictionary for Christmas, Sir.]

Ex Files: Outdoorsman With a Sweet Tooth

Received today:

“What sort of outdoor activities do you like?”

That was it. No introduction. No salutation or general greeting. Let’s just cut straight to the point, shall we? Direct. And it really wouldn’t be so bad except that there isn’t terribly much in my profile about outdoorsy-ness. I include that I like being outdoors but that my love of nature is supremely hampered by a deep and virulent loathing of spiders.

Nevertheless, I decided to check out his profile just to see what he might have to say about himself.

He seems like a decent fellow. He writes in full sentences, uses paragraph form, and capitalizes the beginning of each sentence (as well as the personal pronoun “I”). He mentions about five times. though, how much he enjoys the outdoors.

I’m probably not his ideal match, especially considering that he writes he is looking for a girl who likes the outdoors, who is sweet, and who is down to earth.

Down to earth? yeah… not so much.

So, I replied:

“Well, Michael,
I enjoy various outdoor activities; however, since you are looking for a “sweet” girl, I won’t waste your time by listing them. (My profile indicates aspirations of world domination, so I don’t think I’m your type.)


(At least this fish seemed decent, quite pleasant, and grammatical. I wish him luck in his quest for a girl who is sweet, down to earth, and a little less evil-overlordship inclined.)

Ex Files: Of Cheeto Counting and Fishy Fathers

Message received tonight:


I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your
attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for
looks. You are clearly a 9/10 and here on POF we only
allow 6/10 maximum.

Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with your name, your favorite flower, how many Cheetos you can fit in your mouth at once (just curious) and if you prefer American or Italian cuisine. This is very serious business and I would advise you not to take my message lightly or you might anger my boss Poseidon, the lord of the seas.



Dear S*****,
I deeply regret your unfortunate choice to send me a generic copy/paste message.
Furthermore, how very deeply counterproductive to use any reference that gives a numerical indication of inadequacy. If you truly want to flatter a woman, call her a 10. Better than average is not really all that flattering. If you can’t in good conscience tell such an aggregious lie, a simple, “My, you sure appear to be lovely in the pictures you’ve posted” would be much better than attempting to mitigate the lack of idealhood by disclosing that you generally settle for girls who only meet 60% of your general expectations.
(I bet you thought you were giving a compliment, didn’t you?)

However, you did seem to have a sense of humor, so I went to your profile. Alas, I discovered nothing more than five short, nebulous sentences and a handful of pictures in which you are showing off your manly strengthliness, musclitude, and unclothed torso. Granted, your muscles are physically attractive; but let’s be real. How many people posting half-nude photos are looking for long-term monogomy?

Even if you were looking for a serious relationship, however, threatening me in your very first message is not a great way to go about establishing said relationship. “Reply to me because I’m awesome” would be one thing, but “reply to me or face the wrath of a mythological seaweed slinger”?! no thanks. I’ll take my chances with mythology rather than acquiesce to someone who tries to bully or guilt me into a response.

I do not know how many Cheetos I can fit into my mouth at one time. I have higher aspirations than to test my mouth’s capacity for storing food before chewing it.

I’d say thank you for your interest; but since nothing in your message was personalized, the best I can offer is grattitude for prividing fodder for a blog post and lively facebook exchange regarding the complimentary vs insulting nature of your message.

Good day, demigod, 

I’m sure there is hope for humanity. But at this particular moment, I’m just not feeling it.

(and what does he mean a 9/10?! If you don’t think I’m a 10, numerical evaluations can just be omitted. >_<) 

He Replied:
“You are everything I thought I didn’t want in a girl.”

What does this mean?

Am I supposed to feel bad that the person I decided to scorn has scorned me in return?
On second thought, HAS he scorned me? By using the past tense of thought, is he trying to indicate that he no longer thinks I am what he doesn’t want?

This is why proper grammar is essential. Muddy grammar makes for unclear communication. Can you communicate clearly? If so Thank an English teacher ^_^